I think there are some women out there who have the WRONG idea when it comes to what men want out of them and a relationship. Or maybe I should instead phrase this as, “what a man wants from a woman and a relationship that will make him commit and ultimately want to be in it (and with her) for the long haul”. Now, don’t get me wrong here. I do not claim to be a man, or such an expert on men that I can predict or tell you EVERYTHING that they want. Nor do I claim that each and every man is the same and that therefore there is some basic list of secrets that, once known, can hook any man to a woman for life. But I think there is one basic aspect that EVERY man, no matter who they are, ultimately is looking for from a woman and a long term relationship (whether or not they know it), and that any woman who can get this one little thing down can guarantee (as long as basic compatibility and love exists, and of course that he’s looking to be IN a long term relationship to begin with) that their relationship will stand the test of time.
Have I piqued your interest at all? :-p
Simply put: It’s the thrill of the chase.
Think about it this way: When things are kicking off at the beginning, we all know not to seem to desperate or available for fear of appearing to be desperate or too interested. Instinctively we know (or we SHOULD know lol) that if we make ourselves too present (i.e. always being available for dates, dropping our prior commitments and not hanging out with friends to spend time with him, calling ten times a day “just to check in”, and generally leeching on to him and becoming an “us” too early) is a guaranteed way to send him running for the hills. But of course, as time goes on and love and closeness builds, we know it’s OK to start relaxing many of these little “playing hard to get” rules. You call to make dates instead of making him chase you down, you can’t wait to tell him all about your day, you end up assuming that every invite was for both of you, etc. etc. etc. And there’s nothing wrong with this. To a point. I mean, you’ve been together for years, live together, are married…shouldn’t your lives be intertwined?
Like I said, of course, but only to a point. Because, you see, unlike women, who are perfectly happy to lose the mystery in favor of gaining intimacy and can still stay completely 100% infatuated with their man, men need….a wee bit more stimulation. And when they’re not getting it, they either lose interest in the relationship, or start looking elsewhere to fulfill that need so that way they can stay in their little love-o-sphere…even if it means they end up being a wee bit less than monogamous. And don’t get me wrong. It’s not like I’m saying that there aren’t men out there who remain faithful, or who have never cheated on any girlfriend or wife or whatever they’ve had. But I certainly would argue that those men have always chosen women who naturally maintained that spicy excitement that got them hooked in the first place.
It’s kinda the reason why certified B.I.T.C.H’s (the one’s who really, truly, deep down to their core couldn’t give a flying fish about anyone else’s feelings because they KNOW nobody is as important as them, the ones who will walk all over you and then think they should reward themselves for not completely robbing you blind) always seem to have the truly, madly, deeply devoted hubbies, while the rest of us look on in awed admiration and sick fascination, wondering why that good man wouldn’t go for a MUCH better woman…like, say..you. Quite frankly, she makes it hard. Every second he’s with her, every moment of love, attention or caring she gives him, he knows he had to earn. Which makes him all them more eager to continue earning it. Not only that, but when he has to devote so much time to pleasing her (remember, she isn’t making it a necessity here. She makes it clear “she could have another him in a minute” so if he wants her, he can work for her. If not, he can see himself to the door) the last thing he’s thinking about is another woman. She manages to keep that nervous anticipation of “does she still like me? will she stay with me? am I doing good, mommy? god DAMN, she’s awesome and I’ll work my buns off to keep her loving ME up” in full swing from the moment the relationship starts until the moment she walks away from it.
The thing is, of course, that if you’re not a certified B.I.T.C.H., acting that way will make him call you a bitch, and walk the hell away. After all, if you don’t really believe it, he won’t really believe it either…and will figure you’re trying to take advantage of him. Or whatever other negative thing. Either way, he’ll be in the wind just as fast as he would be if you decided to be a boring, completely open door mat.
But, you see, that’s the problem assumption most women make. That since they can’t be certified, they should be pliable and giving. Because otherwise he’ll go find himself a woman who is. The key is to be able to give him all the love, attention, and adoration that you feel in your heart, but make sure that you keep a little mystery in the mix. Be completely available for him when it’s really important, but otherwise make sure that you have a life of your own. And never be willing to put off other things and commitments and friends that are important to you for his sake. On the surface he appreciates that, but deep down inside he’ll end up taking it for granted. Sure, you can’t bicker and bitch and moan over every little thing he does wrong (I mean, seriously, who has the bloody energy for that?) but at the same time, when you pick and choose your battles, make sure you’re ACTUALLY picking battles, one’s that are important to you, and stop being wishy-washy about them. Foot down, take no prisoners, screw you if you want me you need to know this is what I need and want and DESERVE, buddy. Gotta problem with that, there’s the door.
But you have to believe it yourself, first. Otherwise he’ll see right through it. And if you back down because you really never meant it, that means you now have zero credibility and he’ll never take another thing you say seriously.
So really, what’s the key here? What’s the take home message?
Learn not only to love yourself, but that you’re one super awesome woman who deserves the world. And you and your whole life is important to you. And that any man who doesn’t recognize and respect that doesn’t deserve even one more second from you. And then make sure you live each iota of each aspect of your day, of your life, by that little mantra. Trust me, it’ll be effective without you even trying.
I know, I know, it’s been a bit since I’ve posted, but trust me, I have a whole new inspiration for writing boiling inside of me. Stay tuned for more Classic Ruby Commentary!! 😉
Happy Wednesday Y’all