Maybe it’s just me, but the worst part of summer (other than the deluge of bugs and bees) and right up there with the underdressed and overskanky is women whose girls hang low. Not that I’m not sympathetic: what with inevitable post-baby droopage, age-induced loss of collagen, gravity’s mighty unbeatable pull, and the risks and sky-high cost of plastic surgery, it’s no wonder that the larger majority of women are simply putting up with their pair becoming less than perky as the years go by. And I also COMPLETELY understand that a good, supportive bra costs a pretty penny, as do ones that raise your girls to the teenage sky-high level they once were while adding a size or two and giving you the clevage of every man’s dreams. Not to mention the well-known fact that any bra (especially the cheapies) are anything but comfortable.
But all of that is NO excuse to wear skimpy, skeezy little tops sans-support letting your boobs sag to your belly button, bouncing and swaying in a rather nauseating way with each movement you make. And don’t give me that “I don’t have the right bra to wear with this top” excuse: Anybody would rather see your bra straps or band sticking out of your top than have to conciously avoid openly staring at your freak-show pancake breasts with the focal point (read: hard pointy nipples) on display, but at least 4 inches lower than they were ever meant to be seen in public.
Not only does going braless in public when your boobs are NOT in any position to be allowed to swing freely make you look trashy and classless, it’s pretty offensive. If I can TELL that you’re not wearing a bra, then you should be wearing one. And don’t tell me that these ladies are so delusional that they can’t tell how awful they look with the girls sitting level with their belly buttons – nobody who’s not deemed clinically insane (or who is seriously sight-impared) can miss it. But lets just say for the sake of argument that these women just don’t own mirrors, or have been so saggalicious for so long that they don’t even remember what their boobs looked like pre-sag…you can’t tell me that their friends and family don’t see the travesty going on under her shirt. So why isn’t someone saying something to her?
How can you honestly appear in public with that *makes circular motion with hand while grimacing* ‘mess of boobage’ right next to you and not die of shame? At the very least, don’t you care enough about your friends to prevent them from making complete fools of themselves? I know, I know…you don’t want to hurt her feelings, you just don’t know WHAT to say to her without offending her, you don’t wanna sound like a complete ass wipe by telling her to go put on a gosh-darned bra…but SERIOUSLY? You’re not doing the girl any favours. She’s probably wondering why she can’t find herself a man….ummmm….well if she’s an otherwise attractive woman with alot going for her, then you might have found the man attraction-killing cuprit right here.
Ok, so let me break it down for you right now: If you don’t have the right bra for the shirt, DON’T WEAR THE SHIRT. Seriously, if you’re one of these saggy-go-braless women, if you invest in any piece of clothing this summer, make it a convertible bra- they have ones that will convert into every conceivable shape, making it possible to wear just about any shirt whether it be ultra low-cut, backless, or off the shoulder and still have the support and coverage that you (may desperately in some cases) need.
And if your boobies are still standing at attention, this is NO excuse to go braless all the time either: nipple-ons (read: hard, pointy nipples) are NOT cute, and every time you’re bouncing around outside without any support you’re causing your sag factor to skyrocket.
Which means that your once cute little perky pair will slowly get to not-so-cute and then to gag-worthy and you might not even notice it happening until one day you see that, instead of reaching for the sky, the girls are trying to do toe-touches. And this doesn’t just apply to the well-endowed: I’ve noticed that smaller-breasted women seem to think that they are immune to the sag-factor. Sadly, this isn’t the case- but if you have smaller boobs then, obviously, they’re not gonna sag as low…but it’s still pretty damned obvious when tiny tits are flat and saggy. And although it’s not QUITE as obvious, it still ain’t cute…just saying.
And to those men whose girlfriends are in the Sagtastic Crew, I know it ain’t easy for y’all because you know it’s about the worst idea ever to tell your girl she isn’t looking all that hot, or that her bralessness isn’t any kind of turn-on because, well, droopy’s that cause every man to scrunch his face up in disgust or open his eyes wide in shocked amusement while you’re holding on to your girl doesn’t make you feel so hot. And certainly makes you look at her (well at least her boobs) in a less than favourable light. So what do the loved ones of these women do to help?
How can you bring it up without crushing her? Well, it’s easy…the trick is to put it in a positive light. So rather than “girl, your breasts couldn’t be hanging ANY lower!” or “seriously baby, if you don’t put a bra on I ain’t holding your hand in public!” you can try “that top will look SO hot if you wear that cleavage bra you have! I can pin it to your shirt so the straps don’t show!” or “baby, you know how whenever I see your cleavage in that little lacy black bra I get all hot and bothered the whole day just thinking about it…do you think you could wear it for me today?”.
See? Doesn’t sound so bad anymore does it?
And if she STILL insists on going braless, as hard as it is, you gotta break it down and be a little more honest, saying something like “Well, you know I think you’re absolutely sexy as hell, but honestly when you wear that shirt (make that:a shirt, if you wanna NEVER have this conversation again lol) without a bra it just doesn’t do you justice”. Also, if you know the problem is that she doesn’t have the right bra to wear (stupid excuse) if you’re her man or her family, buy her one of them ones I talked about earlier (bring her with you so it seems like a neat treat!) or suggest a shirt that she can wear WITH a bra that you like on her.
The take home point is: make sure she understands that the braless look just ain’t cutting it for her, but that if she wears a bra she’ll look mega-sexy. Seriously if all this still doesn’t work, just come out with the down, dirty truth “girl, your breasts are getting saggy and you’re getting a bit older so this no longer looks good on you…point blank”. Trust me, a person who cares about her being honest with her is MUCH better than a bunch of strangers making fun of her behind her back, or even straight to her face.
So now that summer is on it’s way, now that the hot weather seems to be here to stay (fingers crossed) and the sexy summer gear is coming out of hibernation, PLEASE please PLEASE do us all a favour and just wear a bra. Just wear a bra. Just wear a bra. That is all.
Have a happy (supportive) weekend y’all! And Happy Memorial Day USA!!
EDIT: In response to one particular comment I received, I decided to make a response post (I bet she secretly jumps with glee at the prospect of having been that important to anything or anyone ever in life). ANYWAY, you can check out the response post by clicking on the link that requests that you STOP OVERPLAYING THE FEMINIST CARD , the post will be available as of January 15th, 2013, at 8:00am EST.