Saggy Boobage is NEVER in Style – Please Spare Us the Horror

Maybe it’s just me, but the worst part of summer (other than the deluge of bugs and bees) and right up there with the underdressed and overskanky is women whose girls hang low. Not that I’m not sympathetic: what with inevitable post-baby droopage, age-induced loss of collagen, gravity’s mighty unbeatable pull, and the risks and sky-high cost of plastic surgery, it’s no wonder that the larger majority of women are simply putting up with their pair becoming less than perky as the years go by. And I also COMPLETELY understand that a good, supportive bra costs a pretty penny, as do ones that raise your girls to the teenage sky-high level they once were while adding a size or two and giving you the clevage of every man’s dreams. Not to mention the well-known fact that any bra (especially the cheapies) are anything but comfortable.

But all of that is NO excuse to wear skimpy, skeezy little tops sans-support  letting your boobs sag to your belly button, bouncing and swaying in a rather nauseating way with each movement you make. And don’t give me that “I don’t have the right bra to wear with this top” excuse: Anybody would rather see your bra straps or band sticking out of your top than have to conciously avoid openly staring at your freak-show pancake breasts with the focal point (read: hard pointy nipples) on display, but at least 4 inches lower than they were ever meant to be seen in public.

Not only does going braless in public when your boobs are NOT in any position to be allowed to swing freely make you look trashy and classless, it’s pretty offensive. If I can TELL that you’re not wearing a bra, then you should be wearing one. And don’t tell me that these ladies are so delusional that they can’t tell how awful they look with the girls sitting level with their belly buttons – nobody who’s not deemed clinically insane (or who is seriously sight-impared) can miss it. But lets just say for the sake of argument that these women just don’t own mirrors, or have been so saggalicious for so long that they don’t even remember what their boobs looked like pre-sag…you can’t tell me that their friends and family don’t see the travesty going on under her shirt. So why isn’t someone saying something to her?

How can you honestly appear in public with that *makes circular motion with hand while grimacing* ‘mess of boobage’ right next to you and not die of shame? At the very least, don’t you care enough about your friends to prevent them from making complete fools of themselves? I know, I know…you don’t want to hurt her feelings, you just don’t know WHAT to say to her without offending her, you don’t wanna sound like a complete ass wipe by telling her to go put on a gosh-darned bra…but SERIOUSLY? You’re not doing the girl any favours. She’s probably wondering why she can’t find herself a man….ummmm….well if she’s an otherwise attractive woman with alot going for her, then you might have found the man attraction-killing cuprit right here.

Ok, so let me break it down for you right now: If you don’t have the right bra for the shirt, DON’T WEAR THE SHIRT. Seriously, if you’re one of these saggy-go-braless women, if you invest in any piece of clothing this summer, make it a convertible bra- they have ones that will convert into every conceivable shape, making it possible to wear just about any shirt whether it be ultra low-cut, backless, or off the shoulder and still have the support and coverage that you (may desperately in some cases) need.

And if your boobies are still standing at attention, this is NO excuse to go braless all the time either: nipple-ons (read: hard, pointy nipples) are NOT cute, and every time you’re bouncing around outside without any support you’re causing your sag factor to skyrocket.

Which means that your once cute little perky pair will slowly get to not-so-cute and then to gag-worthy and you might not even notice it happening until one day you see that, instead of reaching for the sky, the girls are trying to do toe-touches. And this doesn’t just apply to the well-endowed: I’ve noticed that smaller-breasted women seem to think that they are immune to the sag-factor. Sadly, this isn’t the case- but if you have smaller boobs then, obviously, they’re not gonna sag as low…but it’s still pretty damned obvious when tiny tits are flat and saggy. And although it’s not QUITE as obvious, it still ain’t cute…just saying.

And to those men whose girlfriends are in the Sagtastic Crew, I know it ain’t easy for y’all because you know it’s about the worst idea ever to tell your girl she isn’t looking all that hot, or that her bralessness isn’t any kind of turn-on because, well, droopy’s that cause every man to scrunch his face up in disgust or open his eyes wide in shocked amusement while you’re holding on to your girl doesn’t make you feel so hot. And certainly makes you look at her (well at least her boobs) in a less than favourable light. So what do the loved ones of these women do to help?

How can you bring it up without crushing her? Well, it’s easy…the trick is to put it in a positive light. So rather than “girl, your breasts couldn’t be hanging ANY lower!” or “seriously baby, if you don’t put a bra on I ain’t holding your hand in public!” you can try “that top will look SO hot if you wear that cleavage bra you have! I can pin it to your shirt so the straps don’t show!” or “baby, you know how whenever I see your cleavage in that little lacy black bra I get all hot and bothered the whole day just thinking about it…do you think you could wear it for me today?”.

See? Doesn’t sound so bad anymore does it?

And if she STILL insists on going braless, as hard as it is, you gotta break it down and be a little more honest, saying something like “Well, you know I think you’re absolutely sexy as hell, but honestly when you wear that shirt (make that:a shirt, if you wanna NEVER have this conversation again lol) without a bra it just doesn’t do you justice”. Also, if you know the problem is that she doesn’t have the right bra to wear (stupid excuse) if you’re her man or her family, buy her one of them ones I talked about earlier (bring her with you so it seems like a neat treat!) or suggest a shirt that she can wear WITH a bra that you like on her.

The take home point is: make sure she understands that the braless look just ain’t cutting it for her, but that if she wears a bra she’ll look mega-sexy. Seriously if all this still doesn’t work, just come out with the down, dirty truth “girl, your breasts are getting saggy and you’re getting a bit older so this no longer looks good on you…point blank”. Trust me, a person who cares about her being honest with her is MUCH better than a bunch of strangers making fun of her behind her back, or even straight to her face.

So now that summer is on it’s way, now that the hot weather seems to be here to stay (fingers crossed) and the sexy summer gear is coming out of hibernation, PLEASE please PLEASE do us all a favour and just wear a bra. Just wear a bra. Just wear a bra. That is all.

Have a happy (supportive) weekend y’all! And Happy Memorial Day USA!!

Cheers

EDIT: In response to one particular comment I received, I decided to make a response post (I bet she secretly jumps with glee at the prospect of having been that important to anything or anyone ever in life). ANYWAY, you can check out the response post by clicking on the link that requests that you STOP OVERPLAYING THE FEMINIST CARD , the post will be available as of January 15th, 2013, at 8:00am EST.

21 Comments

  1. I don’t think I’ve ever read anything so shallow, and if it bugs you that much to look at these ladies then don’t look.

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    1. Oh come on now, you’ve read far more shallow things. I’m pretty sure I’ve written more shallow things on here…and I know I’ve definitely read more shallow things…like, on the shallow scale, this probably doesn’t even rate a 2. Let’s be serious. If I said that your man will leave you if you don’t wear a bra, or not wearing a bra means you should be locked in a cage in an underground cavern until your “want to wear a bra, even while you’re sleeping” reprogramming is complete, that would have just been terrible. Or if I said only dumb ugly people let their tits hang low. But I totally didn’t.

      Oh wait, I know!! You just need to read more!! Come on buddy, get out there! I’m sure you’ll find something more shallow in no time at all 😉

      p.s. your comment was posted less than one week after my surgery…wanna guess what kinda surgery it was? Hint: it wasn’t a nose job! 😉

      Like

  2. breasts are fantastic in all shapes and sizes. if you r male you evidently don’t get 2 see many and if you are female then shame on you!

    this is all your poor shallow writing/life deserves sham on you for writing an essay!!

    Like

    1. Wait, i think you’re a twat! First of all, if you’re going to go all women’s rights on me, isn’t it kinda wrong for you to use a term like twat? That’s like me going onto a kkk website to defend black rights and then using the n word. ANYWAY, I am actually female. And strangely, even after your tsk tsk I feel absolutely no shame…weird huh? That’s most likely because, while I at least have the balls to be on the internet stating my opinion openly, you hide behind some completely confusingly contradictory insults and no email address or username. But yay you for pretending to stand up for what you believe in…next time, leave some form of identification, at least some internet username, and then I promise to try and take you seriously. Well that or maybe you could have spelled out the words “are” and “too” instead of spitting some teenybopper lazy text type at me. Just saying.

      ANYWHO, my poor shallow writing/life huh. What’s slightly adorable about this is that you think this shallow writing/life of mine deservers a shame? On me?? Hmmmm…ohhhhh I get it, is this because it’s January and you think a pillow sham might make me slightly warmer, but you don’t want to give me a whole blanket cause I wrote an essay, which is why this post is shallow? Sorry…I’m just confused, and trying desperately to understand, what with your terrible spelling and lack of punctuation.

      I know!! Why don’t you go learn about punctuation, with ur cool self, and I’ll sham myself into some more shallow writing life.

      Thanks for your reply!

      Like

  3. I agree with the above poster. Breasts are beautiful in all shapes and bras should be considered an optional accessory. Saggy is just as valid a shape as perky. Articles like these contribute to negative body image. Ladies, tune this crap out and love your ta-tas as they are!

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      1. Oh yeah, and in regards to your website, good job! Naked boobs are great in any shape or size, you’re right. They are meant to be oogled and be the focal point when they are naked or in porn and staring you in the face. In clothes, as I explained my position and opinion…not so much lol.

        Take care!

        Like

    1. Do you think that panties should be optional, or necessary? What about tops? Bottoms? Shoes? Is there any part of the anatomy that you personally feel should not be paraded around in all its very very obvious glory for the world to see, for small children to stare at, and for MTV to then bastardize and make into the newest sex symbol so millions of impressionable teenagers can follow suit until one day they end up regretting it?

      Ok fine, lets say that overly saggy breasts were not the issue here, and what if we focus on people’s nipples that stand at full attention? Because if you notice, which really nobody did, the real issue has nothing to do with loving your body etc etc, in fact I do find beauty in everyone, however I feel that overt sexuality should not be broadcast. In fact, i made a post specifically on being overly skanky…not for anything, but I love every inch of my body, and I did when I was 220 pounds and I love it now that I’m underweight at 125, although I do my best to try and gain weight for health reasons. And i have written many many posts on loving yourself as you are…however, at no point in that weight spectrum did I parade any portion of my body around in such a way that it caused undue attention, most specifically my private regions.

      I think hard on nipples are just as offensive as camel toe, and the reason why is, quite frankly I don’t wanna see any part of anyone;s body imprinted and standing out in any way that draws undue attention to it. I don’t appreciate women who wear fantastic bras with super support but basically the only part of their breast that is covered by the shirt IS the nipple. It’s tacky. and terribly unattractive. And I don’t appreciate when, with a properly supportive bra, a woman could be nice and comfortable and not have the perk of her breasts, or lack thereof, be the focus of everyones attention. Cause like it or not, this is North America, and yes, even the so called PC feminist people notice it to.

      But thank you for your reply!

      Like

  4. Up until today I thought that female Misogyny was an urban myth. A better feminist than many of the females of my acquaintance, I believe that choice is much more than a buzz word used in the abortion controversy. Choice between skirts and pants. Choice between democrans and republicrats. CHOICE BETWEEN YES AND NO. Choice between bra or braless. I believe Ghandi said “Injustice to one is injustice to all.” Just because someone wears (or does not wear) something which violates your taste does not give the right to spew disparagement and invective without being called to account for it. Time to grow up and leave the third grade and stop using insult to cover the fact that you have nothing but hot air to contribute.

    Like

    1. Actually, just as they have the right to walk out the door with their boobs down to their knees, making them look sloppy and unattractive, I have the right to not only my opinion on it, but I have the right to comment on it, not only verbally, but written. I’m guessing by your response yours swing low and until now you thought that, at least in a group of women, nobody would notice or care? Sorry to burst your bubble, but that just isn’t the case. Just as I believe that you should dress in clothes that are actually your size, I believe that your clothes should best represent your body shape and type. Now, to be fair, I don’t really care how “perky” you think yours are, Nipples are never cute, in my opinion, and unless you have fake boobs and your nipples are taped down, regardless of age and perkiness and lack of nippleage, I will notice you are braless. And I will not think its cute.

      Now, in all fairness, I find it terribly adorable that you somehow think that this blog is all I do with my life…is it fair to assume that you make that assumption based on projections of your own life, where you desperately would like to feel useful and empowered, but instead spend most days sitting in front of the TV and criticizing all the totally anti feminist scenes from the soap operas and talk shows, taking notes about what you’ll write in your very angry letter to the producer, and perusing blogs, wishing to God you had the balls to start your own, or better, at least just ONCE comment on one with a user name and email address, so you actually had to take accountability for the useless feminist propaganda you spout on a regular basis to try and feel important.

      Why don’t you try doing something meaningful for this cause you are so terribly passionate about…I actually take real life action for the causes I am passionate about. And I don’t hide behind anonymous comments, anywhere on the world wide web. Because regardless of who agrees with my opinion or not, I have a right to it, I am proud of who I am, and I am proud to stand for what I believe in, even if what I’m choosing to believe today is that women should leave their houses fully attired, which to me includes a bra and panties, as well as a reasonable percentage of skin being covered, and a reasonable amount of not only self pride, but modesty shown.

      But thank you for commenting, your opinion was duly noted!

      Like

    2. Oh yes anonymous poster, I forgot to add that with all my woman hating posts you believe i have, maybe you should take about five seconds and i don’t know, flip through some other posts? Rather than jumping to some insane “everyone hates women” blah blah blah b.s. maybe you should pay attention to what is actually being said, instead of what you think is really being meant by what is being said. And when all else fails…ummmm write another angry petition? That always makes you feel better, right? There there…thats a good little feminist dolly 😀

      Like

  5. Even worse than regular saggy boobs are the boobs that once upon a time had surgery to get bigger….cuz then the boobs are still perky poinyt shape…but just perky down by your stomach..lmao…I have a great picture of someone with this unfortunate situation….(unfortunate for her, but it makes me happy since she’s evil…) Let me know if you want the picture to add to the blog.

    And to the ppl complaining about this post…..I guess they are entitled to their opinion too…buuuut….they need to move on and get a life…in my humble opinion.

    Great post! 🙂

    Like

    1. That would be awesome, any additional support is always welcome… Your phrasing made me laugh lol.

      And, if we didn’t have crazy enthusiastic, though slightly insane, commenters, the world would be a far more boring, though normal, place 😉

      Like

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