Today, as I was re-reading one of my old Cosmo issues, I stumbled upon a “first time” blooper in which a girl is making out with her boyfriend of a few months whom she hadn’t yet had sex with when she decides she’s ready to go all the way. Lustily, she tells him that she’s ready. While that may have been music to many a man’s ear who had been waiting patiently for months for their girlfriend to be ready to get down and dirty, this man was not only unimpressed with her exclamation of readiness, he was downright crestfallen. Why? Maybe you can tell from his response to her, which was “I”m already in you. I have been for a while”. Oops!
This story is far from the first in Cosmo blooper history to recount such an experience. In fact, not only have I read this story several times to varying degrees in Cosmo, I’ve also heard the story from several of my friends over the years. And not just from women, either. I have guy friends tell me of encounters they get into where the woman they are with is so loose they often only know they are inside of her because of the general feeling of warmth and wetness. I even had one friend tell me of one time where he was lying in between of his date’s legs kissing her, and when he reached for himself to stick it in, he discovered that he already was! And, I would like to clarify that we are NOT talking about men who are under-endowed. One of these “loosey-laura” stories was actually from a man whose manhood makes some women’s knees clamp shut in fear automatically (you know, guys who give literal meaning to “hung like a horse”).
When we were in high school, one of my best friends lost her virginity to a guy I had been lusting over since day one of my grade 9 year (in retrospect, he kind of looks like a bird, so I have no idea what I was thinking – but maybe the following story has coloured my perception of his attractiveness). The following day, when she had told the crew that they had finally “did it”, we were all bubbling over with excitement for her, but she seemed less than enthused, exclaiming how amazing and wonderful it had been. In private, she had actually curled up in a ball laughing while telling me “Oh, my GOD Ruby, it was like as big as my pinkie! *inane laughter with random words here and there* Now I know why he never wanted me to give him a hand job or blow him! I didn’t even know he had it in! The only reason I had ANY idea was because he said ‘oh baby, it feels so good inside you. You feel so amazing!’ I had to fake it the WHOLE TIME!! What a waste of a virginity!”. Ok, so what can I say? Teenage girls can be bitches, but at least she had enough decency not to tell the whole world about it. And in all fairness, after billions of kegel exercises and some create Cosmo-Sutra positions she managed to get at least some vague pleasure from her encounters with him.
I’ve heard so many stories over the years that I began to become terrified after breaking up with a very well endowed boyfriend that either A) I would now be loose and the next guy would have to ask me “is it in yet?” every time we hooked up so he could put on a show for me to spare my feelings, or B) That, if the next guy was slightly below average, since I was so used to being more than overfilled that I would have an “Ummm, Ruby, doesn’t it feel good for you too?””Umm, doesn’t WHAT feel good?” kinda moment with him. Luckily, I have yet to have that issue, although in all fairness I have been in a couple relationships with men whom I discovered were, umm, lets just say “petite”. Let’s also just say that some of those men may have gotten through to home base if I hadn’t been so completely terrified of having one of those moments and reacting wrong and destroying a man’s ego, and in the process useless raising my “count” of sexual partners. I mean, seriously, who wants to have to tell their partner “I know baby, I have actually slept with X amount of guys, but TECHNICALLY since I didn’t feel 4 of them, I don’t think they should count, so really my number is Y”. Definitely wouldn’t fly with me if my man told me that.
But, that situation raises a major question. Well, two actually. The first is, what is the best way of handling a sexual encounter where you just aren’t feeling it — literally (especially if you still really like the person and this isn’t a quickie hook up). And secondly, is there any way of you knowing that your partner can’t feel you (because in these types of situation it seems like the person who is pinkie-small or black-hole big can feel it just fine and is getting their rocks off like there just ain’t no problem). Honestly, I don’t have a sure-fire answer on either (hell, I don’t even have a may-spark-on-occasion answer), but here are my thoughts on the two. But, please, if you have ANY suggestions or have any experience in the subject please share with the group.
1) OK, first off I have to let you know, I am the ultimate honesty freak. I tell the truth, about everything. People tell me I am brutally honest, unnecessarily so. I try to be polite about it, but I give what I hope to receive in life, and being 100% informed, being 100% aware is what I want, so sorry guys but it’s what you’re gonna get. But while I believe in being 100% honest about everything, this is a tricky one. Because this is about the only situation in which I think being brutally honest would be downright cruel, entirely counterproductive and just plain ol’ mean. But, at the same time, faking it, avoiding it, or downright lying about it is immature and will end up meaning you spend a lot of wasted time on fake-gasms. Plus, you’re totally going to be misleading your partner and may even cause harm to your relationship as at best the sense of openness and intimacy will begin to erode. At worst, you’ll begin to resent your partner for not pleasing you even though they’re none the wiser, perhaps letting the revelation explode at them in the worst possible way: in anger, spitting it out to try and hurt the other person.
Ok, so all of that being said, I think if your partner asks you if you think they are ‘too small’ or ‘too loose’ be positive without lying. A woman can tell her man “well, to be honesty, I have been with men who were a bit thicker/longer”, and a man can tell his girl “I can definitely tell that you’re comfortable with me because I feel that your muscles are relaxed and open to me”. This will address the issue and you can admit to having noticed something I am sure they are aware of without making it seem like an issue. Because if you outrightly lie “What? Are you kidding? You’re the biggest guy I have EVER seen! Are your parents half horse?””What? You mean you’re not a virgin? You were SO tight it was hugging my manhood like it was about to go off to war!” they’re not stupid and they’re going to pick up on your BS and think that the problem is even worse than they feared.
Now for the positive part. Again, if you say something like “well baby, as long as you keep being as great at oral, then I’ll always be 100% satisfied 😉 ” you’re going to scar them for life, making them avoid sex with you, and probably even general intimacy, like the plague. Of course, praising their oral prowess isn’t a bad thing, as long as you pair it with something that you honestly like about having actual intercourse with them. And if the only thing you can think of IS the oral, then maybe you need to do some research into “tightening” positions and then make some suggestions. Saying something like “being with you is so exciting, and I’m so comfortable with you that I can be totally open about exploring sexual things with you. I would love if one day we could try_________. Is there anything you’ve been craving to do?”. Involving them in the conversation makes it seem like less of a directive and more of an opportunity to be more adventurous with each other in the bedroom.
Now, as for 2, I have no idea. I mean, realistically, unless your partner is a prick, or is one of those brutally honest no matter what people, nobody is going to tell you upfront that your size or space is highly inadequate to them. You can always look for little signs, like if your man regularly seems to soften while having sex with you (and isn’t drunk) and you end up “finishing him off” in some other way, or if your girl’s moans seem to not necessarily be in rhythm to what you’re doing, or if her body seems calm and relaxed (sexual excitement causes involuntary tension, at least to some extent – you can also try and gauge perspiration, flushing of the face and neck, and wetness, although because those things vary from woman to woman it would be hard to tell what’s just part of her natural chemistry and what’s because of, well, your natural physical make-up), but that being said chronic fakers are pretty good at, well, faking. Best bet, if you are really worried, ask. Try and gauge their reaction for indications of deceit or discomfort. And if you think it might be a problem, do your research! Find out positions or things you can do to maximize (or minimize) your love.
What do you guys think about all of this? Are you just as lost as I am and just dabbling at the answers, or have you been in the experience before and have a hilarious story or some good advice to share?
I have officially completed my first post on Sex!! Classic Ruby: Unadulterated is on it’s way! Let me know what you guys thought of it.