Ever get tired of being yourself? I mean, like the essence of you…who you are, what defines you. Have you ever looked at people who have qualities you’ll just never possess and think “damn he/she is so lucky man! What I wouldn’t give to be them for just a day”? And I don’t mean silly little things like having a smaller nose, slimmer hips, bigger muscles, etc. etc. I mean those deep down things, like admiring those who are confident, or sensitive, or compassionate, or understanding and whatever else.
Back in the days, I had a very serious anger management problem (ok, so my anger shows its ugly little head in rant for from time to time lol). Back in those days, I used to fantasize about being my alter ego. She wasn’t a real person, rather just a collection of traits, a disposition, an aura, that I desperately wished to possess. I wanted people to perceive me the way that I perceived her in my minds eye, in my little daydreams: she was beautiful, with an air of quiet confidence to her. Classy and alluring and sexy, while being completely girl-next-door. She could mesmerize you with her eyes, her laugh was infectious, her touch was soft and gentle and comforting.
She always spoke with quiet confidence, never raising her voice, yet always passionate and believable and firm and her word would be taken without question. She was always so honest and earnest, and people were naturally drawn to her. She was sweet and sensitive, with a heart she wore on her sleeve, and yet everyone cared about and respected her so much they would never abuse that big ol heart of hers. She laughed and loved and cried and mourned and everything in between with such dedication and conviction and clarity that the world admired her, and she touched the hearts and souls of every person she encountered.
And so on. You catch the drift. I would have killed as a child to be that girl when I grew up. But, as I grew up I realized there were some aspects of my personality I would like to keep regardless of how much they clashed with that ideal, and some large portions of my character that were very much like hers. And as I grow older, and I’ve shed (again, for the most part) my bad habit of using anger in place of every emotion I could possibly feel besides happiness (I used to figure any emotion besides anger could be considered weakness…and I preferred not to be considered weak under any situation…unfortunately, more often than not to to my benefit), I’ve realized a few things…
First of all, that little ideal woman would have been chewed up and spit out before she had hit adulthood. No matter how great you are, no matter how sweet you are, no matter how ANYTHING you are, there will always be people in this world who are ready and willing to stomp you into the ground, who will confuse and abuse and misuse your kindness for weakness, and who will do their best to destroy you simply because they feel that you are even a little bit better than them in some aspect of life or another. It’s not that I’m saying there has NEVER been a person in this world who was born and lived with all of those qualities; rather, what I’m saying is that if they managed to live to a ripe old age, it certainly wasn’t unscathed, and that perfectly polished disposition certainly has signs of wear and tear and defense as scars.
Secondly, while some people overreact to pain and hurt and disappointments and negative situations in life by going to the extreme of bitter and defensive and angry and guarded, those are natural reactions, and they exist to protect our sanity. The goal isn’t to wall those things off completely and forever, but rather to protect those parts of you that are the most tender, the most special, the most precious, and only reveal them to those worth the risk.
And I get that. And honestly, while on the outside I was never like my alter ego, cause I’ve always been just a wee bit abrasive, never had that soft sweetness to anything about me, and have never been able to express anything passionately without it being at some ear blasting decibel (even happy passion…its just me…I’m one loud ass chick lol), my issue wasn’t wanting to have her character…all those character traits, those parts of her inner being, I have always had. Rather, I was wishing for them to be apparent to others, and for those things within me not only to be recognized, but to be appreciated, and cherished, and…I guess, applauded? Doesn’t EVERYONE want who they are to be good enough? To be precious and special and perfect just the way they are?
But then sometimes the world takes me and chews me up and spits me out, and I’m just strong enough to take it, just tough enough to suck back those tears, hold my head high, and do my damn thang anyhow. But at those times, when I feel like nobody understands me and that human nature makes people inherently evil and selfish and…and…and just plain wrong I wish not just for inner strength, and the outward appearance of toughness and aloofness and confidence…I wish to be one of THEM.
Sometimes I wish I could be cold hearted like them. Be selfish and cruel. Be the type of person who CAN be judged by their cover. Who can walk all over people, use them for whatever the hell I want and manage to sleep at night. Who couldn’t give a shit less about who I burn and how I burn them…couldn’t care less about what people think about me and how wrong they are about me because who needs those fools anyway.
And then I remember how they made me feel. And I realize that not only am I pretty damned blessed to be strong enough to weather through these things and make it out relatively ok, character intact, soul and conscience clear (enough, for the most part lol), but that many others may not be.
Honestly, this song has been my theme song for my life, when times get hard, since I was a child. Its been playing in a loop in my head for days…I just HAD to slip it in this post somewhere lol
And even if they are, I’d rather suffer my whole damned life than be the kind of person that makes people feel the way I do.
So hell yeah, I’m gonna do me. Y’all do you. And to all the haters, all those who just don’t care enough to understand me…y’all can go $#&@ yourselves.
And that is all.
Damn…some people suck. And the rest of you, who don’t…or who only suck a little…I love you guys. Keep doing you, too. And my no-lesson-learning ass will be right there for ya, always. Cause that’s just how I do…even if the dumb asses don’t understand me, don’t believe me, don’t believe IN me.
All I can be is just me. Even when I get on my last damned nerve. LOL.
To my loved ones who’ve made it into the inner circle, and you know who you are, hang in there…growing pains are a bitch lol…and we’re all going through this aging crisis together…lets try not to kill each other in the process 😉 *muah*