Not for anything, but when your mother gets married to some dude she’s known for a whole year when you’re 24 years old, the man she married doesn’t become your step daddy. He becomes your mama’s husband. Even if we grew to love each other to death (currently am NOT seeing that happening but who knows what strange twists fate will bring), I would simply out of respect tell people that he was my stepfather. But seriously? In my heart of hearts he would be my mother’s husband. He just would: I’m grown now, I don’t have any need for step parents, especially not ones introduced into my life during my adulthood. In fact, I barely have any need for “parenting” at all. When you hit your mid twenties, your parents morph from the role of “guardian” to that of “friend” (if you’re lucky…if not, shit gets seriously messed up -but that’s for another day).
I’ve actually been seriously appreciating this change in roles. Long ago, my parents and I removed ourselves from the guardian-child relationship. This happened primarily because A) My very young parents hit an age when they would either want no children at all or very young children, right around the time that I was becoming a teenager and B) I’m was the kind of teenager that would take being left in the middle of the Sahara to fend for myself with no survival gear over being treated like a 5 year old. The problem was, I was not yet an adult, and they were not yet relieved of the burden of raising me. Six awkward, frustrating,and not to mention devastating-at-times years later those two changes officially happened, and we started hashing out the issues, and repairing the burned bridges between us. I was actually my mother’s maid of honour (not just honorary- I worked like a mule to get that wedding on point…believe me on that one lol) which I seriously couldn’t have imagined back when I was a teen. So that tells you just how far we’ve come, and just how successful we’ve been at forging a true bond and friendship.
So for her, and only for her, I try to tolerate her insufferable husband. Seriously, the man makes my blood boil. But not all the time though. See, that’s the strangest part. I know many people don’t get along with the step ‘rents. And I get why; especially when divorces are new, the kids are younger, and the feelings of hurt and confusion are still raw and deep. But, you see, I am an adult, I don’t even have a memory of my parents ever being together they separated when I was so young, and quite frankly I gave a viking funeral to any hopes and dreams of my parents rekindling their relationship at least a decade ago (and that’s underestimating). In fact, my mother was engaged twice before this marriage, and her first engagement I was absolutely thrilled about. Loved the man to DEATH. Unfortunately their born again Christian baptism and therefore their need to abstain from sex until marriage (even though marriage was literally right around the corner, wedding dress and all) put unmanageable strain on their relationship and caused the end of it. *tear*
ANYWAY, this is supposed to be about her current hubby, whom for the purposes of this story we’ll call Mitchell. Now, Mitchell, on the surface, actually appeared to be a really awesome match for my mother. He was carefree but responsible, he was hilarious, warm, friendly, caring, understanding…plus he loved my mom like crazy. He seemed to be the perfect man. And he was. And technically he IS a great husband for and to my mother. He does love her very much, provides well for her, cooks her a HUGE breakfast each morning before work…the problem is, at times, he can be extremely hard headed, judgmental, childish, obstinate…and can just brush it all off like it didn’t happen. I’ll give you a for instance here, because perhaps I sound to you like I am just complaining about my mom’s husband over jealousy or something. Which isn’t this case. I like the fact that she has something and someone else to focus the bulk of her energy on. I get less harassment and guilt trips for not calling/visiting.
But the man gets on my last damn nerve. He does, seriously. I would swear he goes out of his way to get under my skin just so he can say to my mom “see?? I TOLD you your daughter is _____ (insert negative things about me being childish and driven by rage here)!!!”. He actually had the nerve, while I was being the calm, rational adult, to call me childish and say that I was being annoying. Ummm…excuse me? WTF?!? Ok, first off buddy, nobody was even TALKING to your ass, secondly since me and my Mom are just talking the way we always have ALL MY LIFE I have no intentions of changing that just because you happen not to like it and C) FUCK YOU (can you tell that by the time I got to the third point that I was all outta patience? (PS And so you know, I didn’t ACTUALLY say this. Not directly, at least. OK, well, definitely not the FUCK YOU part. lol).
I just don’t know what to do about this situation anymore, because quite frankly I am beyond sick and tired of being the adult and sucking it up. I think, as a human being, I am not only allowed to have my feelings but I’m allowed to act on them, as long as it doesn’t involve harming myself or others. And realistically, if he wasn’t who he is in relation to my mother, I would have given him the one finger salute a long time ago and he would have been vapor. Easy. (Do you y’all remember the “you’re vapor thing from She’s All That ? OK, here’s and excerpt for those who don’t :
Laney Boggs: Thank you.
Taylor Vaughan: Excuse me?
Laney Boggs: Thank you. For a minute there, I forgot why I avoided places like this and people like you.
Taylor Vaughan: Avoided us? Honey, look around you. To everyone here who matters, you’re vapor, you’re spam, a waste of perfectly good yearbook space, and nothing’s ever gonna change that.
[Laney’s eyes tear up]
Taylor Vaughan: Oh, you aren’t going to cry are you?
I know, Golden ain’t it? LOL)
*sigh* I wish Mitchell was a teenage girl so I could rob him of any security or self worth that he had in the time it would take to bat my beautful baby-browns. I wish the rules of Girl World applied to middle aged Jamaican men.
But for now…
Hmmmm…that one normally gives me peace of mind….
OK, lets try another one.
Yeah, I gotta remember this one for SOOOOOO many people in this world. But unless I want to forget about my mother (which I most definitely do NOT) then I gotta keep searching. *sigh* ok ok…
*nods* I hear you, Master. I’ll save this one for the time in which I truly lose my mind.
HAHAHAHHAHAH. THAT’S the one for this situation!! (and for most situations!! LOLOL)
Ok, after those giggles I feel SO much better (Don’t test me though Mitch. I can do that “mind-losing” thing JUST now) Is she kidding? *nervous smile*. Of course she is…right?
Is anybody feeling me on this one, or am I flying solo in the “can’t stand mommies husband” seat?
7 thoughts on “Step-Monsters: Murder or Make-Up? (not seriously)”
I once dated a man who had full grown children one who was even married already. They took me more as a friend which i was only more than ready and willing to do. Trust me your step father probably is enthusiastic that his new bride doesn’t have children that are still in grade school as that means that much more responsibility and headache for him. And its clear from your story he probably can’t stand you either. which is really sad.
I love that last serenity prayer.
Good luck Ruby!
never had to deal with step parents so i dont know. good luck thou he sounds like a serious douche
Thanks guys for your comments and support! So far we haven’t decided to all out kill each other so I take this as progress lol!! Gotta love them serenity prayers!
so what happends if the step is not a monster yet the feelings that you have for your step are still there… how can you talk to someone and handle it in a proper manner without hurting the relationship? in short… almost 19 and resents so much of her own fathers actions that it would not matter if I were the coolest SM on earth.. im the B@#$H he is with… I could even take that.. and have.. but the stories she is telling what might be my future inlaws are out of control… nither of us know the best way to approch her, Is there a point of being able to defend yourself against any person that treats you this way.. even if it is a soon to be… ???? If she were anyone else.. I would have to speak my mind, defend myself, and demand respect… im not me anymore… he wants me to say something but I dont know how to!!
I’m really sorry for the totally late reply, I’ve been on a sort of hiatus while dealing with some health issues.
Anyway, onto a reply, hoping that you don’t need one because everything has happily resolved itself like magic, but if not that this reply will get to you!
I can tell you that, personally, while I have never been the 19 year old child, I can in fact testify to knowing that 19 year old child, very personally. My sweet, though not always at her most charming self, sister, absolutely despised our mutual parent’s girlfriend. So much so that, even after they have broken up, over a decade ago, she’s never quite let go of that deep, passionate outright hate. So much so that, when that same woman was house sitting for a few weeks while our parent was out of town, my sister basically did everything in her power to terrorize this poor woman, all while feigning innocence and demonizing her to anybody willing to believe her outlandish lies. I, personally, hate being caught in the middle of such things, however, because the ex-gf would call me in absolute panic after my sister did such things as: send ominously threatening messages in response to such mundane requests from gf such as “would you mind just shutting the door quietly when you come in at night, because I have to get up really early to walk the dog and feed the cats before work in the morning”, to outrightly bolting the poor woman out of the house.
Now, I wish I could tell you there was anything at all that this woman did, or could have done, that would have changed the way my sister perceived, or treated, her, but the honest truth is, it really wasn’t even about her at all. The resentment was directed more so at my parent, first off, and at the failed relationship of her parents, which she really never let go of, and the anger and disillusionment she felt when gf moved in with her own kid when her and our parent were dating, and the fear that as things changed she would somehow be displaced, and the anger and jealousy that she felt that the very little love she felt she was getting/going to get/could potentially get, would be swallowed up by this interloper.
At the end of the day, my sister hated this woman simply because she existed. It wasn’t her specifically, and no matter who it had been instead of her, my sister would have ended up despising them for life. The issue isn’t you: It’s her relationship with her father. He wants you to talk to her…but it really isn’t your place. What he needs to do is work on repairing his relationship with her, first and foremost. And then he can repair the relationship between you and her.
If they would be open to it, a family counselor would be a great choice. Often, when there is a lot of deep upset, fear, pain between a child and a parent, it has built up over time, and to repair that damage and bring those walls down, the parent has to be willing to be very open, honest and patient, and work through those things, and be willing to apologize, and mean it, instead of making excuses.
In the meantime, the best thing you can do is actually keep away from anything even remotely resembling a maternal role, including imposing rules yourself…pretend you are the babysitter (even if the situation has nothing to do with babies, or sitting on her). The babysitter doesn’t say “You can’t do X because I said so”, they say “you father/mother told me that you’re not allowed to do that while they are out. You can call them and ask them, or ask them when they get home”. If there is something you would like to change about her general behaviour when she is over to visit with you, speak it over with him until you guys come to an agreement that you both really like, so that when he goes to her and talks to her about it, it doesn’t sound like he’s saying it just cause YOU (devil woman) want it, not because its something he wants as well. And if he could not use you as a decoy so she doesn’t get mad at him (think “you know I wouldn’t really care if you smoked weed in the house, but your stepmother would be mad at me if I let you..sorry”), that will also help lessen the venom against you.
I really hope things work out for the better. If you want to speak more in depth about it, or get some more information on counseling services etc, please email me through the contact ruby page, where there is a link to my email.
But seriously, I hope everything worked itself out and now you guys are like BFF’s painting each others toenails and watching sappy movies together.