Today I had a conversation with a friend. It’s not that the convo was particularly original, given my brand of open honesty when it comes to just about everything. Nor was it particularly insightful. I didn’t solve one damned problem in my life, I didn’t get one answer…and boy, have I ever been searching for answers to some pretty meaningful questions. But, for some reason, as I said goodbye and walked toward my house, I realized that something within me had changed. My thoughts didn’t become linear..quite frankly, they never have been. In fact, I think I would die of boredom if my mind wasn’t consistently deluged with seemingly inconsistent and inconsequential facts and thoughts and ideas that needed to be organized and somehow arranged so they can make sense to others..or at least to me lol.
What happened is, suddenly the jumble of thoughts and feelings made sense, and I was finally able to organize them into some form of coherency. It’s like having been lost for months in some tropical forest, with no idea how you managed to become quite so disoriented, and no idea how to find your way back, and suddenly you wake up one morning, look in just the right direction, and realize you know exactly where you are and exactly which direction you need to head to find your way home.
Have you ever decided to do something and had no idea exactly WHY you were doing it? I’ve been trying desperately to figure out why I’ve been living such a conundrum. I’ve also been dying to know exactly what it is that someone in my life has over me that I could possibly compromise myself so fully and completely for their benefit. Have I become a doormat, I wondered? Have I just outrightly lost my mind? Or somehow or another in my drinking days did I actually drink away all of my brain cells that were useful in logical thinking? I always said, joking of course, that I was content to drink away my brain cells…is this a case of ‘be careful what you wish for?’ Or maybe somehow did my brain start to hemorrhage and die along with my gallbladder? Or maybe I’ve always been quite this dense and weak and pathetic and I just never noticed because I was too busy partying to worry about real life.
OK, none of these answers sounded right…well, not exactly. The problem was, with all that was going on in my life RIGHT NOW I found it nearly impossible to even consider that I have a past, a sordid history of sorrow and suffering, of joy and strength. And without taking into account your life as a whole it’s impossible to truly analyze not only where you are now, but why you’re there, and where you want to be. Tonight, my friend helped me to see the light. For some reason, I ended up spilling my guts, completely and entirely. I just needed someone to hear me out, be a sounding board, let me talk it out til I got to the very end, no matter how confusing and illogical my reasoning seemed.
And when I got there, to the end…I realized what I had been doing, all along. I’ve tried along the way to have the same conversation with many a friend, all whom have completely missed the point of what it is that I was needing. It’s not their fault, though; North American society has trained us to be all about the bottom line, to think that short and sweet and to the point is a strength. But my mind doesn’t work in those terms; most people have one thought, one point, and then expand later. I’m different…I have a million points that all eventually funnel down into one main concept. As I said, I find peace in organized confusion, and the only way I can figure it all out is if I can follow the trail of breadcrumbs to the end of the trail.
And when I did, I finally figured it out. I’m not letting this person do ANYTHING to me. I’m not being a doormat or used or whatever other nonsense I began to accuse myself of. I’m secretly a selfless person, one who thrives on the happiness of others, on the fact that I can and do impact the happiness of others. Which is why I’m a psych major. But that’s not news, really. Not to those near and dear to me. What might be news though, is WHY I’m like that (again, secretly, and to the selected few I choose to deem important enough to make it into my inner circle of trust – for better or worse). And this conversation helped me figure that out.
You know, its funny that people think the best listeners are the ones who solely listen, never give opinions, and never help you direct your thoughts. I’m calling shenanigans on that. The fact that my friend today actually listened 100%, but asked questions, challenged my thoughts, let me respond and then repeated the cycle over and over again til I got to the end of the breadcrumb trail did more for me than just listening alone ever could of. Because my thoughts were being challenged, it forced me to actually consider the basis of them…and because my responses were being challenged, it forced me to follow the train of thought much further than I could have alone. And on top of that, since I felt like it was more of a conversation, I didn’t feel like I was out crying me a river or crying on anyone’s shoulder. I felt listened to, understood, accepted, and respected.
And because of that, while I still have no answers, I have supporting facts for my actions:
- I have been through hell and back, and there’s a reason people go through what they do
- At times when I needed people to care about me most, they often left me high and dry, judging me at best, outright shunning me or even taking advantage of me at the worst
- I have NEVER wanted people to feel unloved, especially not because of my actions (have I ever told y’all my Christmas gift story? Hmmmm…if not I’ll tell you next time…see, no tangents or anything today lol)
- I know how much I desperately wished while I was going through my ordeals that someone understood that I was not my actions, and that no matter how much my actions sucked, it was because I was hurting, not because I was a bad person, and
- And therefore, once someone reaches my inner circle of trust, no matter how much their ACTIONS suck, if their heart and soul are good I cannot abandon them. I could never do to them what was done to me
- I am not a lemming…I don’t have to treat people just like garbage cause that is the status quo..no matter what..ain’t no shame in being a good person…although I just have to accept that I might be alone on this front…at least in this country lol
Messed up? Maybe. True? Very. Welcome to the wonderfully twisted, beautfully sensual world of word, wonder and insanity that is Classic Ruby 😉 I promise you a very bumpy ride.
Ok, ok, so I say this every time, I know, but this time I’m back and ready for action. For real. LOL. Keep your eyes peeled, Classic Ruby is under construction and you’ll be seeing lots of things being updated.
By the way, the fantabulous theme song for today’s post is brought to you by Wyze Wonda…check him out y’all, you won’t be disappointed…I wasn’t 😉
I’ll leave you in suspense for now. But don’t worry, the writing will always remain the same. It is, after all, a reflection of my soul. And no matter how much revamping I do, at the end of the day I will always be made.
I love y’all!