Sometimes I am flabbergasted by the obvious insanity that I encounter on a day to day basis. The following story I am about to recount is 100% real. I have changed some of the names to protect the identity of those bat-shit crazy, overtly delusional people whose antics are being recounted within the story, however all other details will remain fully unaltered. At the end of the day, I guess it’s up to you to determine whether you think I am being a bit harsh with my judgments, although my personal belief is that you will be left staring slack jawed at the computer screen, eyes narrowed, shaking your head ever so slightly, and silently asking yourself ‘come on, this is just a load of bs…isn’t it? She’s gotta be overexaggerating…doesn’t she?’.

I think in order for this story to really hit home, you should understand all of the details in the same way that I do, so for simplicity sake, we’re gonna start waaayyy back at the beginning. A decade ago to be exact.

Right after the world DID NOT END after the millenium…

I got into the cool crowd, whose headquarters was the Square One bus terminal, and whose main purpose was to exist at headquarters, and hold up the walls, otherwise surely the structure would crumble to the ground. We were also general menaces, too afraid of our parents to do real crimes, but too intellectually unstimulated and socially pressured to just be good kids and walk the line. I was a 15 year old girl who was absolutely fascinated by my best friend who had sex with men all the time and gave blow jobs to whoever she desired, and she talked about sex like she was grown. I found her glamourous, I found this cool crowd glamourous – but I knew I was only frontin’, pretending I was like them but never actually doing anything to be anything like them.

This is important for you all to understand, because it was at this point, and at this place in time, that I met my soon to be boyfriend Cody*. The first day I met him, he told me I looked like Aaliyah, I found out he was going to be 18 soon, and we exchanged numbers. I talked to him all night. Soon, he revealed he would be going to jail/house arrest the next day. Of course, that was A-OK with me…I have an older guy who’s cool enough to get arrested and do time? I’m there! The majority of our 6 month long relationship was over the phone, with him on house arrest. When he got out, we spent a month or two together, but really it just wasn’t going to work out. We split up over a fight, and that was that.

Or, at least, that was that for me. I moved on, ended up getting a boyfriend whom I spent 3 years with, and then another whom I spent 5 with (can you tell I am a relationship addict?) and to tell you the truth, I had exes who came to mind from time to time, wonder how someone was doing…but 4 months of just phone conversation right at the beginning, 2 months of actually seeing each other? I had had a more in depth relationship in grade 7, he just never crossed my mind. I would see his Mom, or his sister from time to time, and they would both tell me he always talked about me like we were on speaking terms, and that he always talked about how much he loved me, and missed me, and wants another chance with me.

Ummm….whaaatt???? Like…Seriously? I would just laugh it off. Although I knew they were being serious, part of me had no choice but to dismiss these ridiculous statements. But then I would see some old friends and they would confirm the insanity. And it’s not that anyone was encouraging me to get together with him, they were all just warning me, and telling me that under no circumstances should I give him another chance, that he doesn’t have his life together and that I do, and I shouldn’t lower myself, etc etc. Oh well, I thought to myself, not like I see him

So, it’s been over 10 years since I for the most part have entirely forgotten Cody exists, except for perhaps to laugh at some of the things I would hear about him…

And this is where things really get creepy…

So I’m standing at the Square One bus terminal near the down escalator (don’t worry, I was actually just waiting for a bus…I stopped propping up the walls a long time ago – there’s a fresh new group of teenage wannabe’s holding down the fort now) when I feel someone tap my shoulder as they get on the escalator. I look up, and to my surprise, it’s Cody and his current girlfriend, who I immediately peg at probably not even old enough to have a G2 even though he by now is 28 (it just so happens that she was 16…can anyone say cradle-robber?). He exuberantly pulls his girlfriend off the escalator to come say hello. Of course, we have a little chit chat, and coincidentally another ex boyfriend (one that I have remained legitimate friends with though) bumps into us, and he (Justice) and the child have a conversation (apparently he wanted to know her age too) while Cody and I do some surface catching up.

We all exchange numbers, and him baby girl (who looks eerily like I did at that age…skinny lightskinned girl, pretty, no make up because she clearly prefers the fresh faced look and the comfy jeans/baby tee ensemble to tie it all together, around 5’7 and with very similar features to me…I wonder if she put two and two together and realized she was simply a baby me?? hmmmm…) make their exit, while Justice and I chat it up. He cracks me up, and since I am killing time, we end up having a lengthy conversation. Around the time he takes off, I start getting text messages from Cody, begging me to please not leave the mall yet as he has something important to tell me. Thinking that perhaps it has something to do with his family, I let him know I can hang around for a brief time but then I have plans with my boyfriend. From there, the text interaction seems to go waayyy downhill.

Why? Well no, thank God, he doesn’t show up. However , his text messages become, well, insane, especially considering that we haven’t spoken in 10 years. Let’s give you a little taste of some of these text messages:

Since he sent 22 messages in less than an hour, I will only disturb your minds with a few

Ok, so this one is after he keeps telling me I am sexy and he misses me and he wants to meet up with me later somewhere, to which I tell him if he continues on that shit he better forget my number STAT, and that I have a man, whom I am meeting later, and even if I wasn’t I have a man and am NOT meeting up with him anywhere

“I’m sorry but I had to leave please let me see you. You have me begging your my ex why you acting like that?”

To which of course I say that nobody is asking him to beg for anything. Not to mention that damn straight I am your EX I OWE YOU NOTHING…just saying…This is reality – deal with it. Then he starts telling me the important thing he wanted to tell me is that he is still so in love with me, and that he wanted to cry he was so happy to see me, he loves me with all his heart and soul, I’m his queen, blah, blah, blah.

So after repeatedly explaining to him that I am LONG over him, nowhere NEAR interested in anything with him EVER, no chance, and that he needs to understand that and move on, all to no avail, he sends me

“I expect you to just please give me your love again let us be one again I really want you back in my life as one as we were in”

Like, really? Has this guy smoked himself retarded? What isn’t he getting? I just don’t get it. Short of being downright cruel and telling him “Listen, your dick is too small, which matches your child-like intellect, you’re short and skinny which is NOT attractive to me, oh and neither is your face, not to mention that you’re a waste of space since at 28 you’ve done dick all with your life and are going nowhere fast, and for some reason you still think it’s cute to be the worlds most useless wannabe criminal ever. Sorry, did I mention you’re a loser?” I have said everything I could. And seriously, I just don’t want to be that mean to someone. No matter how annoying, he still has feelings.

However, I am at my wits end with the dude. Because he is writing things like

“I can’t let go. Even if we are not together I will always and forever have you in my heart. I can’t stop crying”

which I am sure he is doing to draw me in, make me care, or feel bad enough to take him on or whatever it is, but what he’s not comprehending is that I would have to have some level of caring to begin with in order for this little ploy to work. I mean, he’s a human being so I don’t wish him ill, but he’s crying? Not my problem. His rantings are making him seem like a freak, certainly like a punk, and whatever his intended goal, all I can do is hope he drops his phone into a toilet and loses his phone book. Of course, he still has my decade-ago phone number memorized (creepy…) so I’m sure he already dedicated this one to heart. Still, one can hope….

So, I don’t respond to that last message because, honestly, I have better things to do with my time than pretend that I am 15 again. So on Sunday morning he sends me a text message saying

“I got rushed real bad in Toronto i almost died”

Really? You almost died sometime between Friday afternoon and Sunday morning, and you’re not in an ICU somewhere? And not for anything, but if I almost died my concern wouldn’t be texting people to let them know what happened to me. It would be on recovering. I guess he was expecting some kind emotional eruption, like “Oh no, you poor baby, do you need me??” Ummm…didn’t work. Did he get jumped? Maybe, he doesn’t have a lot of fans out there because he’s such a loser. Was this most likely some little master plan to try and get me talking or feeling sorry or elicit some love or whatever it is? Most definitely.

Like seriously? This is the shit that stalkers are made of. I ain’t scared of him cause I’ll beat him senseless, plus quite frankly he’s just not intelligent enough to piece together some master plan to find out where i live and stalk me etc etc. But if you are in a situation like this, seriously, don’t just brush this kind of behaviour off. This is severely obsessive behaviour, and regardless of what he says, you should be dead scared of this shit. Because it’s people who do stuff like that who also follow you to the gas station and light you on fire, or throw acid on your face. Seriously now. If you’re in a situation like this, get the fuck out and get help. STAT.

Cheers