“I don’t date black girls”. Good to know, I think, as I close my eyes. So I can roll them without him knowing. No need to actually make this tipsy conversation outside of the bar any more awkward than it needs to be. After all, I know exactly what’s coming next, and considering I met this guy all of thirty minutes ago when he asked me for a light, and while we’ve politely chatted about the recent smoking room ban in bars and strip joints, we haven’t gotten to anything so deep and meaningful as a name exchange. Oh, yeah, and my boyfriend is just inside, which he’s well aware of. Since, just after part one of our 30 minute smoking-alarmist discussion, he asked me if I was dating the black guy, who just so happens to be the only black dude, and the only other black person, in the bar. And who also happens to be on the other side of the room from where I’d been standing with my boyfriend while carrying on some vapid conversation on music or some crap that I usually lose interest in after about 35 seconds. Oh yeah, and did I mention that the black dude is a complete stranger I hadn’t even noticed, let alone spoken a word to, on that night or any night previous?
My boyfriend, I point out to him, is the gorgeous Pakistani guy in the black sweater. And yet, even after identifying that my new boyfriend is a close acquaintance of his, I’m POSITIVE I know exactly which inappropriate sentences are about to flow out this dudes mouth.
“Yeah… I’ve only ever slept with white girls”.
Yeah. I guess I brought this upon myself… I should have mentioned thought to mention within our smoking ban conversation that, even when I’m single, I’m not interested in the sexual interests of random men I met five seconds ago. I’m especially not interested, in fact am completely perturbed, by the fact that you’re about to tell me….
“But, I mean… I think you’re really, unbelievably sexy. And I mean this as a compliment but, I would totally sleep with you. I mean, I’m actually really attracted to you. Honestly, I could see myself with you. I mean, like, WITH with you.” *inward groan*
Of course, at this point, I can never help myself. I always have to ask. I’m sorry, it’s the psychologist in me, really.
“Why? What makes me different from other black women you’ve met?”.
Now, depending on the person, I’m usually pretty positive I’m going to get one of a few answers… Or at least, one of a few underlying answers. I’m telling you, this guy thought he was coming to me with something new and original… In reality, I’ve heard this before, many more times than I’d be comfortable remembering.
- The first possible underlying factor is the fact that I have more classically Caucasian facial features: long straight nose, the long oval face, lips that are more mediumish. In fact, in the Facebook app where it gives you your celebrity lookalike, it matches me pretty reliably with Angelina Jolie. Funny because these features are more so from my carib-indian blood. But anyway,
- I also have a slim build, a smaller bum, little waist, and triple D’s. So basically, it’s the equivalent of getting all the white features they are attracted to, while still having the newness and excitement of the black skin tone.
- Speaking of skin tone, mine is in a “safe zone”, because I am lightskinned, so it wouldn’t be this overwhelmingly different shade to adjust to, in public with me they could pretend they were with a really tan white girl. In fact, some white girls tan darker than I am.
OK, so, those are the explanations as to what makes me the “chosen one” that I get that are… Iffy. But fine, I can kinda see where/why this is happening. But then I get some more, um, dubious answers. These doozies usually come from the ones who have actually had some form of deep conversation with me (people like to tell me their problems, and I love my amateur-psychologist role, as it comes in handy, especially to the bar folk who are trying to use a depressant to feel better about their lives). Usually, it is a debate/discussion that I find terribly interesting. Even insightful. And then they go ruin any chance of having a friendship with me by saying something like “you know how most black girls are. All ghetto and loud and annoying. But you’re different”. Or “They all have some weird accent or can’t speak a word of proper English. All that “gangsta” talk. I mean, what would we talk about, the latest issue of Essence Magazine? Eddie Murphy jokes? The Cosby’s”. They are cracking themselves up. I’m not finding it funny. How in comparison to regular black’s I am “so articulate”, or am “actually intelligent”, because apparently to be black is to naturally have a deficiency in intellectual capacity and/or capability. Or how that “weird kinky hair freaks them out”.
On what level is any of this supposed to be flattering? And what kind of self-hating, insecure person would I have to be to think this kind of dialogue would be anything but offensive, not only to me, but to every single black person I know, including my family? And really, does this kind of trash ever actually work? I am absolutely positive I am not some “special” super-breed of black person. I am pretty sure that while I may reflect an upbringing in the ‘burbs with parents and influential family members who valued intelligence and education, anything that makes someone inherently “black” does apply to me.
And although, as with most people of any race, I was raised to not act a fool in public if I can manage it, I have a wicked temper and a fiery tongue that has lanced many-an-idiot who has stumbled across my path….so, sorry, but I guess I’ve got that “black anger” thing going on all up inside me. Oh yeah, and that weird, kinky hair that freaks you out? My relaxer has been very recently touched up..give it another 4-6 weeks, and I can totally provide you with some of that weird kinky hair and we can do some exposure therapy to the freakshow hair so you can work through your irrational phobia! C’monnnnn, it’ll be fun! (Actually, now I’ve grown the perm out of my hair completely, and when straightened out it falls wayyyyyy down my back. But it’s coarse and kinky and a terrible pain in the arse to comb, especially with back and neck problems. Which is only one of the several reasons I am a Weave Queen. You really wanna be freaked out? Come meet my Weave. I call her Anna Banana! *offers Anna for petting purposes*).
People are complex, and individuals from all races have many facets to their personality and character. People walking around behaving as they normally do, on just-another-day do not generally make the headlines, and are not going to become the next viral success on YouTube or World Star Hip Hop. Humans have a tendency to remember and focus on negative things, and to overlook or easily forget the everyday ho-hum things. Something has to make an impact to make it into your long-term memory. Add to that the Fundamental Attribution Error, which is the fact that people are more likely to attribute negative actions and behaviours from others as having more to do with internal factors, such as personality and character, and give less weight or thought to the environmental or situational factors that could be at play.
Put that all together and even if Buddy over there was really trying to be sincere, the fact is that I am not rare, and he has probably observed many black people just like me. He’s probably observed more black people just like me than not. It’s just that he’s either completely forgotten them or, more likely, never even bothered to give them a chance before he wrote them off as being “just another one of THEM” based on nothing more than the colour of their skin.
Maybe the issue is that, deep down inside, he just can’t deal with the fact that he finds black women attractive, and because of so many coalescing factors, admitting he feels some attraction to me isn’t quite so dangerous. Worse comes to worst, he could pretend he thought I was a dark Italian, or could justify the attraction by citing what he feels are my “white qualities”…like I am somehow the best of both worlds, although of course, nothing more than a tawdry experiment. Or, if his peers get really grimy, he could pretend it was more of a “white power, black submissive, you know them gals is only good for ONE thang’ kind of thing.
Whatever the psychology behind it, which I’m positive the superb education I’m receiving will certainly allow me to decipher one day, PLEASE just stop with this mess. I don’t want to hear it.
Have you ever experienced something like this, or heard a similar experience from a friend? Are you “that guy” or “that girl”, who actually said something like this? And if so, how did that one work out for you, did you actually mean it, and in retrospect do you think it’s an absolutely racist thing to say even if you didn’t mean for it to be?
Do you think like THIS GUY???
Anyone see ANYTHING very, VERY wrong with this video? I can name like, 20, in the first minute…which is funny because, on the surface it seems as though on the surface it’s a complimentary piece praising black women. No harm in that, right? Oddly, he manages to make SO much wrong with that. Just. Wow.
Let us be a fly on the wall of your thoughts, opinions, and experiences. Come on, I’ve pitched you a nickel…all I want is your two cents!
Happy Wednesday Y’all!
Cheers
Classic Ruby: Unadulterated 
Oh my goodness, that “Do White Guys Like Black Women” video is a great example of what’s wrong with society. Our BC friend, Marty Rubin aka nothingprofound once said something like, “As long as people make an issue of race, race will be an issue.” I agree. Humans comprise a single species, and there is no further classification based on skin color or other physical attributes. Until we accept that the human race is the only race and quit labeling and stereotyping each other based on external features, our species will never reach maturity.
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Oh I definitely agree with that saying… As long as people make an issue of race, race will be an issue”. I do think it’s important to note, understand, and respect cultural differences, and same goes with religious, socioeconomic, and political differences, but to learn to do so without making it some bfd.
But for some reason, I could fathom to an extent, making an issue of the above listed things… As human beings, in order to function from day to day with have to categorize and stereotype everything to some extent. An example would be “that thing has 4 legs, a long rectangular surface, sharp edges, and is made of wood. Therefore it is a table. Because it’s a table, I don’t sit on it, I put my drink on it. Oh, yes, I don’t want to ruin the pretty shine on the wood table, so I better use a coaster”.. this is literally what we do with every single thing in the world during the learning process. Once the category is learned, recognition happens so fast it seems automatic.
The same process happens with people. So in that way, what information we give our children to add to that category of “christian” or “jamaican” or “conservative” becomes part of their ingrained innate response to that thing… So we’ve got to be very careful what we’re teaching them and what we’re exposing them to. “All people are exactly the same” isn’t accurate, and they know it. But rather, those differences, and here is what they are, are surface… The inner core, THAT is all the same, and no surface quality is any better or worse than anyone else’s.
Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts with us! 🙂
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He doesn’t date black women, but he would sleep with them? What the hell is that? Bigots with benefits? If he’s going to be a mindless bigot, at least he should have the courage of his convictions and go all the way with it … or, I should say, not go all the way with it.
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Right? And it’s kinda scary, cause this has happened to me so many times…. I’m always blown away, really. How they could actually find nothing wrong with what they’ve said in their little hazy minds before they say it is a little surprising.,. But once it actually comes out of their mouths?
Maybe they figure their foot is so far in their mouths at that point, the only way to get it out is to just keep going to till it comes out the other end, with the rest of their crap 😉
Go small town suburbia, right? Cause I’m pretty sure nobody in any part of Toronto, downtown or the outskirts, has ever said anything remotely as racially intellectually deficient lol
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In Toronto we used to try to pretend that we had some sort of moral superiority. Then Rob Ford happened. Kind of blew that argument out of the water, didn’t it?
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Lol yeeaaaahhhhh… but, you had to expect something like this to happen eventually, right? I mean, Toronto had it’s moral superiority often based on the fact that they were like a mini New York, and in the 90’s America was the “it”place. And then Bush junior happened…. Soooooo… you guys were bound to have your very own Bush junior catastrophe at some point, right? And just like with junior, even with everything that’s happened Ford is still mayor… eerie, right? Maybe you guys ARE a mini-America! Lol
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It’s just an ignorant way of thinking. When I was younger and full of much more testosterone, me being black would convince myself that I could only date black women but white girls I could sleep with. It’s embarrassing now to know I thought like that but this issue has been around since slaves were brought from their country.
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Sorry this post is just so you can see my username. I forgot to add it to my reply.
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Lol no worries
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It’s not your fault. If your highschool experience was anything like mine, then there was probably great pressure socially to think that way. Black women, both peers and mother’s/guardians, As well as movies and TV shows, were perpetuating this idea that when a black man wanted to run around and act a fool, he did it with a white girl, who was weak and soft and would put up with it. When he wanted a real woman, a woman who was strong and respectable enough to hold him down and give him real support and love (not just blind admiration, which would never help you grow), some one worthy of raising his children, he come to his sensessenses and his race.
Maybe there was some truth in the idea, like perhaps he would have felt terrible treating his mother, and therefore someone who reminds him of her, in a disrespectful way and so he tried to find women as dissimilar as her as possible until he was ready to be committed? But I think at the end of the day, finding that woman happened to many of them… And she just happened to be white anyway. In the 60-90’s, black women took that as white women stealing all our good men. I think society as a whole, you included, are starting to see that differently.
Best bet: now that you’re not young, judge a woman on her merits and character, not on the surface traits… physical things are only skin deep, it’s the person she is inside that is the priceless gift you should be searching for.
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I wish I could help you out with the questions but my wife frowns upon me dating other women so I have no experience for you. With that being said, I offer you the following bit.
Personally I don’t think race matters. Unless it has some opposing religious or ethnic traditions which would make it an unlikely and unworkable relationship. But, since I have never been in a situation where any bit of this applies I can only speculate, based on what I have read and seen in world around me, that dating between races is a challenge before it ever gets off the ground. Why? Because immediately, I think, both individuals would be asking the same questions hoping they are wrong in their own assumptions of what the other might say about it or what others might be inclined to think.
I know one simple fact, I try my hardest to live my life like this, which is we are ALL pink on the inside, we all bleed the same color red, and we are all walking this planet looking for happiness to avoid the loneliness, whether looking for love or friendship.
It’s mankind who allow race, religion, creed, and culture become differences which cannot be overcome or must be dealt with.
I enjoyed this post and this re-assures me I made the right choice being married.
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Lol well yeah, I could completely see how your wife might frown upon you getting out into the dating world again just so you could expand your experience level lol.
I always find it absolutely amazing the amount of people from various races that I’ve met that don’t date people from X race… Not because I’m necessarily frowning on the fact, it’s more on the reasons why. I know that up until the past couple decades, and still in some select places, dating someone of a certain race could not only make you a spectacle, it could also end up being very dangerous, because the people in your area who didn’t take too kindly to the idea would find some very nasty ways to let you know that.
I also understand objections that center around major differences in religious beliefs, and cultural customs and practices, because really unless both are willing to make great compromises, or one is willing to sacrifice their own personal beliefs, then it would not really make for a particularly happy home or life.
But what always amazes me are the reasons “why” that I get. I’ve listed some of the ones that I’ve personally gotten from white men… But I’ve also heard similar things from other races as to why they would not date a black woman. But I’ve also heard people say they don’t date white women… Because they can’t cook, soon as you marry them they get fat and wrinkled, they smell like cat/dog/ketchup, they’re all cold fish. Or the ones who say they don’t date brown girls cause they will smell like curry “down there”. Or the ones who say what they think is cute and positive, like that they want an Asian wife because they are all flexible and submissive and sex mavens, same with Russian wives -if you don’t mind they got here by being sex slaves or mail order brides… the offensive list goes on and on.
See the similarities? These people cite reasons for not dating a certain race of person by referring back to outlandish prejudice and stereotypes. And some cite reasons for dating a certain race (like the guy in the youtube video) based on the same.
I think what people REALLY need, beyond knowing that we are all part of the human species (which I agree far too many people overlook), is to go out and actually open their eyes and ears and hearts, have some conversations, pay attention not to just the ones that confirm your prejudice, but to the millions more who simply don’t.
I’m glad you enjoyed the post. Sorry for the late reply, I’ve had a crazy busy life in between studying for my exam this Friday 😉
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Okay, that guy in the video just made me go “ew.” Anytime anyone defines a person’s personality by their skin tone I just cringe. As for that idiot you were talking with outside? Another piece of work. The kicker is they probably think they’re decent guys.
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