The Alternative Sexuality In YOU

Azmarie collage

Oddly, I think she’s absolutely GORGEOUS…but ONLY when she’s not all made up like a girl. To me, her androgynous/boyish look is strikingly beautiful.

I found the woman who I was meant to spend my life with: well, the one I was meant to spend my life with in an parallel universe where I’m a lesbian or, at the very least, bisexual. Actually, ever since I first saw Azmarie Livingston on America’s Next Top Model, I kinda wished that my sexuality was a choice: I would totally choose to be a lesbian for this chick. It’s not some desire to sleep with her, by the way, although I do think she’s absolutely stunning. It’s actually a desire to be with her. Generally, I have always found the female form, and faces, more aesthetically pleasing. However, although I can admire truly gorgeous or beautiful women, I never feel any form of sexual attraction to them. Now that being said, I honestly don’t on-sight feel any sexual attraction to men, either. However, it’s not like I’m asexual and I NEVER feel sexual attraction, either. I know, I know – I’m a weirdo – I’ve always felt like either I’m a complete freak, or like everyone else is lying: how could you, by looking at someone alone, get all hot and bothered??

source: http://www.therumpus.net
Check out the documentary if you get the chance. Last I checked, it’s still available on Netflix.

I’ve since learned that I’m not actually a complete freak AND that they weren’t lying, either. You see, there’s actually a term for people like me. Being a Netflix junkie, I go through movies, TV shows, and documentaries like they’re candy. I came across one called (A)sexual a few weeks ago, which had me doing some random googling to find the various asexuality support websites (like AVEN) and information websites they had brought up in the documentary. It actually led me to a quiz you can take on whether or not you’re asexual (link to this quiz and more at the end of this article). I wasn’t. However, at the end of that quiz, there was a quiz you could take for a variety of other sexuality classicfications. Now, if you’re like I was, you thought that sexuality was all about WHO you were attracted to: the opposite sex (heterosexual), the same sex (homosexual), either sex (bisexual), everybody (pansexual), or nobody (asexual). But apparently, sexuality can also be about HOW you are attracted to people.

I had no idea that there was such a large variety of sexuality categories. Fascinated, my google-research became rather in-depth, with several tabs open, so that I could google new terms I found while reading up on another newly-learned term. And I must say, at the end of it all, my mind was absolutely blown. The finite way in which I looked at sexuality, attraction, and romance is no more. If you’re anything like me and you don’t really relate to the majority when it comes to either sex and attraction, but yet you just don’t fit into any of the commonly known alternatives, you may actually fall into one of these categories. This means that today, you may find out that you aren’t some weirdo with hang-ups that cause you to be different. Maybe you don’t need that therapy after all: maybe it’s just who you are. Read on, and learn about the wonderful world of alternative sexuality.

Now, first of all, because this will probably come up again and again, let’s cover a few of the basics. There is a difference between sexual attraction, sexual desire, and sexual urges (the following definitions are all taken from  asexualeducation.tumblr.com). Sexual Attraction is a (relatively unconscious) reaction to seeing and/or interacting with a person in which you would want to engage in sexual activities with them, Sexual Desire is used in the context of wanting to engage in sexual activities for reasons that are, mostly, not directly related to arousal, and Sexual Urge/Arousal has more to do with you body’s own reaction/biological response. Sexual urge/arousal is generally a physiological response and is something more like a need to engage in sexual activities rather than a want to engage in sexual activities. Can be brought on by a physical stimulus or the thought of sexual scenarios.

Now, sexual attraction can also be divided into two further categories.

  • Primary Sexual Attraction is the first impression sexual attraction. You can have it for anyone, and is most usually due to appearance (but can be because of other reasons, such as personality).
  • Secondary Sexual Attraction is an attraction that develops after an emotional bond has been established. (Demisexuals experience this.)

source: http://popsugar.com.au
Now, tell me which of these folks wouldn’t get to see any play EVER in life without those secondary attractions, and which of ’em could ride on primary sexual attractions to keep them in the lap of luxury for life?

Notice none of this has had anything to do with the classifications we typically list off as the only definitions of sexuality? And in case you’re thinking “come on, man, this is all just a lot of fluff over nothing”, put some of these differences into context. For example, take the primary versus secondary sexual attractions. Think about that sexy coworker or peer at school, or the eye candy that has your mouth watering, and whom you relish the time to think naughty thoughts about. Think about the word ‘sexy’ even. We use that word to describe a person who is physically attractive in such a way that people want to have sex with them. That’s all totally primary sexual attraction.

Now think about that guy/girl that you never really noticed, or looked at and saw someone…average…at best. Maybe they hit on you, or tried flirting with you, and you would politely decline while thinking, “ummmmm, no. Never ever, not even in your wildest dreams!”. But then you get into some situation where you end up talking and sharing and bonding with them. It might happen intensely over one night, or just slowly over the course of time. Suddenly, and you’re not sure how or when this happened to you…part of you can’t even BELIEVE it HAS happened to you… but suddenly, what you once found homely you’re finding different – in a terribly sexy way, and everything they do makes you want to kiss them. You don’t even know how you didn’t see before just how attractive they were, right? Yeah, well that’s that secondary attraction.

Now that we’ve covered some of the basic terminology, let’s get right down to the nitty-gritty: what is Classic Ruby’s new and improved definition of her sexuality, exactly? Well, I’ve told you about my sexual orientation before, and for those of you who have missed it, I’m straight. Dead straight. Which is why earlier in this post I said I wished I could choose to have a different sexual orientation so I could date Azmarie….but we’ll get back to the Azmarie situation later. ANYWAY, so being straight or gay or bi doesn’t have anything to do with what I’m about to talk to you about, so I’m still straight (lucky for my boyfriend lol). You see, where I fall is somewhere in the gray area between asexual and sexual. Let’s see if I can explain this right. Asexual people have no desire or interest in sexual activity or relations with others. That’s not me. Regular (average) sexuality involves the ability to be sexually attracted to someone based on physical appearance, and/or can be sexually attracted to and desire sexual activity with someone after a relatively short period of time. That’s not me either. Where I fall is squarely in the Demisexual category. And for those of y’all who, like me until recently, have never heard this term:

Demisexual: 

Someone who does not experience sexual attraction until a strong emotional connection is formed with the individual (The emotional connection is not inherently romantic).

source: http://adriofthedead.tumblr.com
While demisexuality lies in between of sexuality and asexuality, the same myths are often applied to it, and they are just as false

If you look even deeper into the defining characteristics of demisexuals, you’ll find that, while it may be confused or mistaken as some form of lifestyle, being demisexual has nothing to do with morality, or choice. A demisexual is not choosing admirably to only value characteristics that are deeper than surface, or to make some moral or conscientious choice to hold off on sexual activity until a real relationship is formed. In fact, one’s level or amount of sexual activity has absolutely nothing to do with it.

Ok. I know that one just confused you. So let me illustrate the concept.

Let’s say a prostitute is looking for her next john. She’s already slept with 4 men tonight, and has given out several blow jobs. Do you think she was sexually attracted to every man she’s had some form of sexual congress with that night? I’m going to guess that the high likelihood is, she was probably attracted to none of them. Apply this concept to porn stars. She’s getting paid the big bucks to look like she’s having the time of her life, and the craziest, most fulfilling orgasm she’s ever had. Do you think she finds every man she’s made a movie with attractive? No. Of course not…but yet, she sleeps with em anyway, right? The point is, people engage in sexual activity without being into it whatsoever for a variety of reasons, and not all of them are illicit. There are promiscuous demisexuals out there..hell, there are probably slutty asexuals out there.

image

Not only is the majority completely oblivious to the broad range of sexualities, but far too many of those who have any clue they exist are pumped full of prejudice or misinformation from the jump

On the flip side, this is just like someone who has a raging libido can learns how to keep it in check and let their moral values win so they aren’t boinking every skirt who walks by, or who saves himself for marriage EVEN if it means him and his right hand, and the variety “stranger” left hand, become a LITTLE too familiar with one another. Your desires do not automatically become your actions. Nor do your choices always reflect your inner desires or motivations. Demisexuality has to do with a natural state of being, describing the circumstances under which a person who is demi would be sexually attracted to someone (meaning that they would WANT to, have the desire to, engage in sexual behaviour).

Now, like I said before, demisexuality is a HOW of attraction, not a who. Therefore, all of the ‘who’ orientations still apply. You can be demi-gay, demi-lesbian, demi-straight, pan-demi, bi-demi. Oh, and did I mention that, of course, down the rabbit hole, that none of that has anything to do with you wanting a romantic liaison (i.e. relationship) with someone. Didn’t anybody ever tell you there’s a difference between sex and love? *wink wink*.

Actually, there’s a whole bunch of types of attraction, besides sexual: There’s Aesthetic Attraction, which is being attracted to someone’s physical appearance (without a sexual component), Sensual Attraction, which is the attraction one feels to engage in sensual, usually tactile, forms of affection and/or intimacy with someone (that lacks sexual intent, and is not always romantic in nature), and Romantic Attraction, which is a feeling that causes people to desire a romantic relationship with a specific other person (or persons). And, as I’m sure you’ve guessed by now, there is a primary and secondary attraction in each category (and the parameters of what makes one primary versus secondary are about the same, regardless of the type of attraction we’re talking about).

Now, let’s be clear…your status in one type of attraction has absolutely nothing to do with your status in another. Someone could be, for example, completely asexual, but experience primary romantic attraction all the time!

source: www.asexuality.org

source: http://www.asexuality.org
click on the image to see it full size, and get a glimpse of all of the styles of romantic (that have NOTHING to do with sexual desire) that you could be!

Now, although I’m not going to go into any depth in all of the other alternatives, and yes there are more… for one example, check out sapiosexual. Throughout this post, I’ve already provided you with a couple great sources, including the AVEN website, which is linked in the second paragraph, if you want to do some of your own sleuthing about. I mean, I could go on and on and on and on all ding-dong day about this crazy new world I’ve learned about. Actually, I would have to if I wanted to give a completely in-depth look at every possible sexuality, attraction, and sub-attraction level…to give you an idea, there are, to break it down even further, more than 10 different types of romantic you could be alone! Take a look at the full glossary of romantic terms here. I didn’t even have to ponder, after reading up on it. I was positive that I’m a demiromantic.

Demiromantic: a type of grey-romantic who only experiences romantic attraction after developing an emotional connection beforehand. According to the model derived from Ragber’s “secondary and primary sexual attraction model”, demiromantics do not experience primary romantic attraction, but they are capable of secondary romantic attraction.

definition from www.asexuality.org

And then, just the other day, I came across a reminder of Azmarie and looked her up, as I have many times in the past, just to see what she’s up to, if her and Raven Simone are actually together or broken up now, what new modelling or career ventures she’s been up to, etc. etc. When her cycle of ANTM first aired, I was pretty sure that it was one of those girl crushes…like, I wanna be her BFF 4EVA, cause she’s just so super chill, and something about the way she walked, and spoke, and her attitude towards things was just so…magnetic. But it is definitely more than that. I mean, I’m positive I don’t want to actually have sex with her or anything, so it’s not like a bisexuality thing, exactly.

And I know you’re wondering how I, being a demisexual who must develop a strong relationship with someone before feeling sexually attracted to them, could judge that, right? Well here’s the thing: just as I can look at people and judge how aesthetically pleasing they are, I can also look at people and judge their potential for me to find them sexually attractive, should we ever get to that place (like, after getting to know each other and building a relationship). Just as I am well aware of what..ummmm…plumbing, I find to be attractive. And male plumbing wins out 100% of the time. Sexually, while I think that visually women are far more sexy-looking, nothing of that sexy appearance makes me wanna..interact in any sexual way with them. It’s like, major ‘ick’ to me.

demisexual shades of gray

Finding out you fall somewhere in between the black and white definition of sexuality you were born and raised with can be kinda scary. But accepting you fall somewhere within the shades of gray? Positively liberating!

But there’s still SOMETHING there about her, something that’s…foreign and strange to me. The more I explore this realm of asexuality and alternative-sexuality related literature, I realize that just because it has nothing to do with the desire for sexual action does not mean it can’t have something to do with romantic or sensual desire. Hmmmmm. I’m gonna have to think on that one. The idea of being intimate with people, or sensual, or even romantic, generally makes me uncomfortable, so my mind automatically repels the idea…but if I don’t think directly about it, I can kinda see whatever ‘it’ is taking form..like that spot in your field of vision you can only see as long as you don’t look directly at it.  In any case, I’ll probably never have the opportunity to find out, will I? And something tells me that she’s a one-off experience that I’ll never really have again.

But really, it was the sexual part, if you remember, that was really causing me some psychological disturbance in my life. And that was really the first thing that I read up on, which completely opened up my mind. It described me to a T. If it could tell me about myself so perfectly when at best I usually stumbled through telling people like I was a very drunk and delusion child, then everything else it is saying must also be true. I wonder if there’s a word for this Azmarie dilemma I have yet to find…guess it’s back to the research board for me!! 

Have you ever struggled with your own sexuality or attraction category, perhaps being dazed and confused and clueless, like myself, until someone showed you the light? Are you still questioning something about you, or wondering if perhaps one of those millions of glossary terms apply to you? I’d love to hear your story, or your opinion on all of this…it’s new and upcoming, but the terminology, and the visibility of groups that are supporters or advocates, are on the rise. Do you think this is all a bunch of hooey? Defects caused by medical issues, or social, emotional, or physical trauma maybe? Something other than what advocates like Aven are saying?

If you want to see if there is somewhere in the gray area that you fit in, here is the link to the quiz…I would love to hear the results you get! Don’t worry, each one is relatively quick and painless lol!

Happy Tuesday y’all!

Cheers

source: www.asexuality.org

source: http://www.asexuality.org
If you’ve ever had to compromise and have sex out of duty or for procreation but never really liked it, although you LOVE the relationship part, you’re not alone. I remember once talking to a friend and calling her bisexual. Her answer: “I don’t date girls, honey, I just f*** em. Hmmmmm..

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6 thoughts on “The Alternative Sexuality In YOU

  1. “Asexual people have no desire or interest in sexual activity or relations with others.”

    That’s true of most, but the definition is a lack of sexual attraction, technically.

    “Regular (average) sexuality”

    We call that allosexuality.

    “When her cycle of ANTM first aired, I was pretty sure that it was one of those girl crushes”

    I’ve heard those called platonic crushes before. Nonromantic crushes are definitely a thing.

    “And male plumbing wins out 100% of the time.”

    You’re aware that trans men exist, right?

    “Are you still questioning something about you, or wondering if perhaps one of those millions of glossary terms apply to you?”

    Haha, yeah, still questioning my romantic orientation over here. Or if I even have one.

    Like

    • Well first I would like to say that I’m well aware, and actually am very close, to some trans men and women, having been introduced to the lgbt community in my early teens by my parent, who began her transition when I was 12 or 13. And while some of them I find to be quite aesthetically pleasing, at the end of the day the plumbing to me really would be a make or break point. This has nothing to do with chromosomes, to be quite frank, I find live, skin and muscle male sex organs to be extremely appealing, and female genitalia very…ick lol.

      Stretching my imagination to include more than cisgendered men, I could more so see myself becoming sexually attracted to an mtf pre-op than a trans man for that reason. Like I said, gender identity isn’t really the issue sexually for me, it really does literally come down to that one piece of plumbing. Romantically, I really see more so that gender identity would be the more important factor: the romance, and probably too am extent sensuality, has more to do, for me, with what I see when I look at you and who you are on the inside.

      Annnndddd hopefully I didn’t dig myself into a slightly deeper hole somehow. But maybe that explains some of my Azmarie puzzle… I don’t have that same attraction, whatever it may be, when she’s all girlie, or even has makeup on… So maybe something she exudes or something in her mannerism strikes me emotionally as male? I don’t know, guess like with you I’ll be questioning my romantic orientation.

      I love the new terms, like allosexuality…I was really unsure of what the opposite of asexual was, but didn’t seem to pinpoint it in my google research. But I’m happy to know it now, just as I was so very relieved when I learned the word cisgender several years back. I hate when I’m reduced to using terms that are so blatantly incorrect and insulting, like “normal”.

      You know what? I was about to ask about your clarification about the asexual definition, but suddenly it makes perfect sense.

      Thank you so much for your reply!

      Like

      • “male sex organs”

        See, terming it this way is specifically what I was objecting to. Bodies are “male” only if the people who own them are male. It’s okay if you’re attracted to trans women and not trans men, just by itself, but I find it alarming that you would mentally misgender them and reduce them to their genetalia in order to justify that feeling to yourself.

        Like

        • Well now, let’s talk for a second about what every trans person has ever said to me about how they felt growing up: they were trapped/born in the wrong body. This feeling does not come from a socialized notion, they look at themselves in the mirror and know they should see a one sex organ when they see another. So the idea of the “male plumbing” is not some ignorant rant.

          Actually no, I’m not sexually attracted to anything but cis-men, nor have I ever been. My point in bringing up a trans man vs. a trans woman was to try and illustrate my thought to you. Apparently I failed. But as they say, if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again, right?

          I’m not sure where in what I’ve described you have gotten the idea that I have mentally misgendered anyone and reduced them to their genitalia.. The fact that a trans woman pre-op has a penis does not somehow invalidate her gender. However, for my purposes, in this hypothetical, she has a penis, and since I am sexually aroused by a penis, then anybody who happens to have one will automatically be on the side of “potentially sexually appealing”. This includes, but is Not limited to, cis men, gender-fluid persons, trans women pre-op, anyone with an intersex condition who happens to have a functional penis, etc.

          I think maybe somehow you took my point to mean that i was saying “I only find men attractive, and anyone with a penis happens to be a man”. That is not at all the case, and I hope maybe somehow I’ve made that clearer to you. Then again, perhaps if you knew me on a personal level, my life story, my parents life story and all that she has done for the rights of LGBT people in Canada, and the documentary we’ve taken part in, you might have been more willing to give a benefit of a doubt to not see ominous evil, ignorance, or bigotry in my intentions and words.

          I guess if anything, I reduce my interest, attraction, arousal, and excitement in sex to genitalia, but not as a choice, it’s just… the way my brain is wired. My romantic and sensual attractions however are based on the identify, the gender… and that has nothing to do with sex organs. Sex, love, romance, sensuality… Even plain old physical contact are all very very separate concepts in my brain, and all VERY VERY VERY particular as to what will and won’t elicit them.

          OK *fingers crossed we are now on the same page, cause I would really hate to leave you thinking I think something I in no way even could*

          Like

          • “Well now, let’s talk for a second about what every trans person has ever said to me about how they felt growing up: they were trapped/born in the wrong body.”

            Yeah, I’ve heard that too, but since I’ve also heard the other side of the argument, I’ll just leave you with this.

            Like

            • I’ve heard a large variety, actually, on how a trans person views the body they were born with. That was certainly a fantastic source though, and when I explore trans issues, which I undoubtedly will, I’m definitely going to refer back to it. I’ve been working on a piece for a while now, surrounding the documentary Transforming Families. I won’t finish it until the full documentary is released, but if you haven’t heard of it, you can check out the segment that was aired at the inside out festival here http://www.lgbtqparentingconnection.ca/socialchange/TransformingFamiliesFilm.cfm

              In essence, for example, my parent finds the term transgender to be incorrect when applied to her, since that term encompasses any deviation from cisgender. She clarified to me that she is transsexual, and for her, she was trapped in the wrong body. Simply changing surface physical attributes were not enough, she did not feel whole until the sex reassignment surgery was completed, and the physical body she had matched what she saw in her head.

              One of her friends, a trans man, recently had top surgery. For him, those breasts were part of the woman’s body, and did not belong on his. While he’d like to do bottom surgery, until they’ve perfected it he feels there’s no point. Other trans men and women are OK with the bodies they were born with…. but while I have seen some variation with desire for surgery, I have yet to meet a trans person who did not want or hadn’t taken hormone therapy.

              I would argue that those who don’t feel as though they were born with the wrong parts are not transsexual but fall somewhere else on the transgender spectrum. I understand this is not everyone’s viewpoint, but from my own personal research, attendance at panels and events, discussions in chat rooms, I tend to agree with my parent. Since I am not trans, it’s hard for me to have an independent opinion though, I admit, so much of what I tend to know and believe and understand has a large foundation from my parent one way or the other.

              Like

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