And no, I don’t mean dandruff (although, quite frankly, if your shoulders are covered in dandruff, it still isn’t a good look, and you might wanna do something about that..I hear head and shoulders is a cheap and efficient solution *wink wink*). I’m talking about flaky friends. You know the type: always make plans with you and then cancel last second, never anywhere to be found when you need them, but yet clearly they do actually remember your number because you’re the first person they call when they want or need something.

I have a few of these flaky friends. And as evil as this might sound, I think its just about time that I finally do brush the flakes out of my life: it ain’t cute, it feels crummy as hell to be flaked on all the time, and as I always say, negativity can, and always does, breed more negativity.  The sad thing is, before we come to the realization that these friends are really no longer worth our time or energy or effort, it’s like we go through the stages of grief with the friendship.

Stage 1: Denial & Isolation

You pretend that your once awesome, reliable friend isn’t blowing you off every 5 seconds. You tell yourself that it’s because they have a lot on their plate right now, or that you’ve been busy too before, so you can understand where they’re coming from when they can’t always make it to your meets…forgetting or not wanting to realize that ‘can’t always’ really means ‘never ever ever, unless they’re getting something from you, like free Red Lobster, or you’re gonna baby sit their kid or something’. If this is a close friend, we might even start withdrawing from the social scene cause…well…hey, your bff is no longer available, and you’re not sure who the hell else to go out with lol

Stage 2: Anger

When it seems as though being understanding and patient with your friend has done nothing more than encourage them to not only flake on you on the little things, like hanging out for coffee or a night out dancing with the girls, but has given them the green light to blow you off on huge events, like your 30th birthday party (and with no call of apology, no warning, and a full out lie like 2 minutes ago that they were gonna come…and call u at the very least to reconfirm..), now you’re pissed. You skip irritation or frustration and go straight for the kill. Normally, your friend will be too busy, because he/she is a flake remember lol, to actually be bothered to pick up the phone when you call, so after blasting them on their voicemail, you throw your phone at the wall and call yourself the stupidest person in the world for ever having thought that stupid jerk was actually your friend…._______________ (insert other angry actions here)

Stage 3: Bargaining

This is when you start trying to entice your friend to actually show up to something, with the promise of free drinks, a surprise, and on top of that some favor that they really need (like that free concert ticket hook up you have, or sharing their dog walking duties next weekend). Unlike in the situation with, say, death or drugs, bargaining in this case actually works. On the surface. Your flake-ass friend will in fact show up. Really. But I dare you to stop offering said incentives. Eventually, you realize this isn’t the way a friendship should be, and realize that really, this is a lose, lose bargain for you.

Stage 4: Depression

This is where you turn to your mom and cry that you thought she was the best friend ever and you don’t know what happened, or if you’re not a mush ball, where you go out to the bar and sulk into your beer, pretending everything is cool…and when anyone asks about that flake friend, you say “yo, F**K that douche!”

Stage 5: Acceptance

This is when you finally come to realize that the friendship you once had is no more, that its not YOU it truly is THEM, that if you were truly an important person to them they wouldn’t flake on you, you deserve better than that bull shit, and therefore that friendship has come to an end. You can now think back fondly to memories you and that friend once shared, and when people ask what happened you simply say that the two of you just drifted apart. And even though it felt so satisfying in stage 2-anger, you’re starting to regret you burned your bff photo album you guys bought together on your class trip to Cuba. But, alas, such is life.

I think I’m pretty much at stage 5 with these flakes. Honestly, the concept pisses me off. Primarily because when I make definitely, or even tentative, plans with a friend, I normally end up refusing other offers and working my entire days schedule around said meet up. So to find out last second that suddenly, for the umpteenth time, I’m just not that important to you, and therefore you can blow me off at a moments notice because you have a headache…again…yaaa….no. No more of that bullshit. Honestly, I don’t hate flakes. I just think you’re pathetic excuses for friends, and as a result I don’t think y’all deserve any friends. When you learn what ‘respect’, ‘reciprocate’, and ‘remember’ mean, and you know how to actively practice all three, then come back and talk to me.

Til then, sit in your hole and play neglect the warm body with your dog. I don’t much have time for that kinda nonsense. I don’t use the term friend loosely, and I work hard to make sure my friends know I care. Was I always like this? No. Did I lose a LOT of friends as a result…yup. Did that suck? *nods emphatically*…did my self absorbed ass deserve it?? HELLLL YAAA!!!

And so do you, my flake-ass friends.

Happy Monday Y’all!

Cheers