First off, I would like to say that this post has been inspired by a post I have been reading and following on another blog, Naked With Socks On. This topic ended up being so fiery, so inflammatory, that the last I checked after only a few days it has topped the most commented on post I have ever laid eyes on. Last I checked it was at 190 comments!. Anyway, the post was specifically aimed at analyzing one woman’s comment to another post he had made earlier in the week. The woman, he said, clearly suffered from Angry Woman Syndrome, and was more than a wee bit jaded when it came to the topic of men and sex. And seriously, it was QUITE obviously that this woman had had some seriously jacked up experiences with men – more specifically, only seemed to find men interested in ONE thing, which was especially problematic for her as she was saving herself for marriage. The commenter of focus, Shannon, does end up responding, and getting into quite a few back and forth discussions with some of the other commenters. Click here to read the original post and comments in all their glory!
Now, while I stopped commenting a few days ago, after offering a story about my moms and her struggle with celibacy in this sex filled world, I never stopped mulling it over. Especially after reading over some of her comments which pretty much stated that any woman who was willing to have sex with men, or who wasn’t saving herself for marriage didn’t value herself….ummm…excuse me? I knew RIGHT then that I was NOT allowed to respond anymore on this topic, because it would have become a personal attack on her inability to stop stereotyping LARGE groups of people into such negative little boxes all because they weren’t her..like, really? OK, so, as much as this extremely narrow-minded woman has seriously gotten under my skin, she did make some points that I have and do agree with. In fact, I can say I have been downright sick and tired of being sick and tired of men and their bullshit.
Then again, I never ONCE said anything that started off with “all men are..” and ended with some derogatory comment. When my boyfriend of 5 years broke my heart (well, correction, when HIS ex-girlfriend broke my heart by calling me and telling me that apparently only one of us was in a monogamous relationship), I didn’t chalk this up to the fact that all men are dogs, or that they are “programmed” to sow their oats, or some other nonsense. I took it as he had some very serious commitment issues and that he didn’t value me or the awesome woman and wife that I am and would be. Screw the fact that I had had several other failed relationships, been cheated on, lied to, stolen from, etc. etc. in the past. Who cares that I knew of MANY more cheated on women than I knew of ones that had never been. I was intelligent enough to ask myself: how in the world could I ever assume ALL men are anything?
Not only have I not met all men, or even a significant portion of them that I could even claim to start making even general inferences about what they ALL are, but how ignorant and blind would I have to be to dismiss all the good guys out there who have been just as badly burned as I have, even worse in some cases? And what about all the men who think all women are game players, gold diggers, only care about your money, your assets, you dick size… if I think all men are dogs, don’t they all have the right to think I am one of the above things (which I am not, by the way)? Much to the surprise, I’m sure, of chiquita who thinks I don’t respect myself because I have brought myself down to the level of sex before marriage, I value myself tremendously. I don’t play games, and am not fronting, when I tell a man that no, I am not like that, I am NOT gonna crawl into bed with him just cause I’m feeling him, and no I don’t owe you a DAMN thing for a date, a weekend away or a relationship title I am dead serious. If and when I choose to share that gift with any man, it is not taken lightly, is not given easily, and trust me is a bitch and a half to earn.
Now, that being said, I am an attractive woman (not trying to be conceited or anything, but it is what it is, you know?) and I get hit on. Often. I also get my share of creeps, of men who just won’t quit trying to come at me on the sex tip, who for some reason think I am secretly a closet hoe who requires a secret password and then BAM!! my legs will spread like hot butter. I have men from all angles honestly and truly trying to get with me even though they know I am taken. As a beautiful woman, it’s kinda par for the course. But, and this is the thing, I don’t see how it is humanly possible for someone not to get hit on by a decent guy who is looking for that beautiful organ in between their shoulders instead of their legs, and would prefer the first over the second. At least on occasion.
Which brings us (sort of, not really, but now is as good a time as any lol) to this post I wrote a long time ago on my BlackPlanet blog. When I broke up with my aforementioned boyfriend two years ago, the first place I turned was to BP. Never did the internet dating thing before, never met anyone off of the internet before, didn’t know that I would for sure, but I figured a rigorous screening process and an extended period of online chat time and I would weed out anyone who wasn’t worth my time. While I end up chatting to some great guys, some of which are still friends (online) a couple years later, I definitely ended up getting some really skeezy notes. Read this post I wrote, during my sick and tired phase, when the horny toads were seriously running down my last nerve:
So, I’ve been thinking to myself lately about some of the notes I get from people. The ones that I’m talking about are the ones that say something to the effect of “yo mommy, you sexi. wuts good? u got msn?”. Now, honestly, it makes me wonder A) How many of these notes have you sent out in the past 30 seconds since clearly its not a note special for me. B) It makes me wonder how many women actually answer “yeah, its firstname.lastname@example.org, get at me u sexy too!”
Not that I’m saying that doesn’t happen, because obviously it must for people to continue to send such messages. But it makes me wonder what I have on my page that makes people think that I am the type of person to appreciate such a note. I’m not spread out half naked in my pictures, I think my personal message is pretty honest and open, and I think the fact that I have some blog entries on bp, not to mention a blog and a website full of my writing, says that I am a deep person who values thoughtful and expressive written communication.
I’m not trying to be bitchy here, or stuck up or whatever other negative connotations could be gotten from these comments, I’m am merely being reflective. I guess the concept is that I do think to each their own, and whatever you’re on here for and whatever you’re looking for, and whatever type of communication you desire is really a matter of personal preference. But do I really come off as such a person? That being said, how many random adds to your msn do you have that you have spoken briefly to maybe once or twice and then never again? How many of those girls have you added to your msn only to find out they wouldn’t sleep with you and then dismissed..either by never speaking to them again or blocking them or whatever?
I guess I just find it vaguely insulting to be addressed in such a manner, and some of the crude or overtly sexual comments I get blow my mind. I don’t think I have given any indication that I’m on this site for that, and in fact I’m pretty sure that I’ve given some good indication that I’m not. I’m a grown woman, and even as a teen I wasn’t “like that” and as a woman I have way too much respect for myself to be “like that”. I think many women on this site would agree with me on this point. Maybe not. Like I said, not trying to offend anyone, just my opinion…and we’re all entitled to one.
Anyway, may you all have a wonderful week
Wow, once again, I must say, I was so…nice. LOL. Same sentiment I got from reading my V-Day response from the same period (if you missed it you can click here to take a look). Today, I might have been a little more…ummm…”SLUTTY BITCH ASS DUDES SUCK!!!” but that’s beyond the point..lol. Anyway, so the point is, even during this time I had decent guys talking to me, the one person ever in life I met off of BP (or the internet for that matter) and my current boyfriend of almost two years now happens to be one of them. In fact, I would say that the negative interactions were in the minority. And even at that point, I still wondered, reflectively, what message could I possibly be putting out (I do this often: this is the same line of reasoning I was thinking about when it came to why I lost so many of my so-called-not-really platonic friends).
*sigh* I could SO go further into this, actually totally hit a whole different angle (I was just about to actually lol) but I fear that much longer and we’re beginning a novel. So I will leave it alone for now. Probably until tomorrow because this subject is still eating me up. And I know I’m leaving this a little bit unfinished. Ok, a lot. So let me just say this:
While I don’t think that any person deserves to be mistreated, regardless of what they say or do, ultimately (as you can see even from my self reflection) I think each individual plays some part in the situations they encounter, especially if they happen frequently, are the norm rather than the exception. Extremely attractive women are going to have more issues with men wanting them for their bodies, but realistically if you are strong, confident, believe in yourself and your beliefs and put out the vibe that you are the shit, you can have any man wait for you, providing of course that he is looking for a relationship to begin with (yes, I have had a man wait a ridiculously long amount of time for me, so I’m not just talking smack). Finally, while human nature and human beings can be frustrating, it is just plain dead wrong to stereotype people on any level based on anything such as gender, race and religion. Don’t be ignant people.
For now, that is all, LOL
What are your thoughts on all my rambledoms?
7 thoughts on “Maybe It’s Them: But It’s Probably You, Too”
I hate any f****** stereotype no matter what its about. I aint like every other femaile so no man is like evry other. I am so sick of babies who use it as an escuse. Maybe you arent likeable and thats why nobody will bother to respect you. Every one respects me. Real talks!
I’m done @ tryna explain all the reasons i agree with Shannon. Maybe you don’t get out much Ruby? Or maybe you don’t see or interact with much men. Most are only man boys with 1 thing on the mind or r men with 1 thing on the mind. Only difference is whether he tries to call and b friends come mornin
It takes two to tango. Can’t any relationship in life on only one person
sorry I missed blame.
Actually I get out very often. And the majority of my friends and the people I spend time with are, in fact, men. While I 100% agree that there are some, even if you would like, many men who are only out for one thing from a woman, there are just as many that are not.
Perhaps the problem is that I get out often, as do you, but that we end up going out to different places or interacting with different circles. Or maybe we’re going to the same places with the same people but are interacting differently with the people around us. I demand respect from those around me, both men and women, and won’t tolerate any less. As a result, people who have no respect for themselves or others generally tend not to fall within my circles.
I challenge you to go out with the attitude that you are an awesome person who deserves respect from others and won’t accept less. Not as a bitch, with a chip on your shoulder, or loaded down with preconceived notions or stereotypes about the people, places, or things you encounter. Being open, friendly, happy, confident and at the same type sure of what your boundaries are without needing to broadcast them every 5 seconds to each person you encounter, to each man who smiles your way, might give you more positive results than you have achieved.
It works for me. And if this doesn’t work for you, I further challenge you to discover what your “it” factor is, as far as why you attract the people you do to yourself. No doubt there is lots of garbage out there, whether they are men or women, but there are always shiny jewels to be found. Sorry you haven’t found them yet, but hopefully you will. Soon.